A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the
zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a
ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the
zoo. A
twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence
was forty
feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the
kangaroo, "How high
do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said,
"About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the
gate at night!"
One day the zookeeper noticed that the orang-utang
was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.
In
surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those
books"?
"Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was
my
brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
The manager of a large city
zoo was drafting a
letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his
computer and typed
the following sentence: "I would like to place an
order for two
mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
He stared
at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he
deleted
the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I
would
like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your
earliest convenience."
Again he stared at the screen, this time
focusing on the new word,
which seemed just as odd as the original
one. Finally, he deleted the whole
sentence and started all over.
"Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo
should be without a mongoose," he
typed. "Please send us two of
them."
Father and son standing outside the elephant's
cage in the Moscow
Zoo. Father tells son, "If we stand around here
long enough, one of them
will throw some food at us."
A man went to work for a zoo
veterinarian.
"Look in the lion's mouth," the vet told him.
"How do I do that?" he
asked.
"Carefully," replied the vet.
Why did the Irishman buy two tickets to the zoo?
One to get in and one to get out.
I was in the zoo last week.
Really? Which cage
were you in?
I took my son to the zoo yesterday.
Really,
did they accept him?
Some vampires went to see Dracula. They
said,
"Drac, we want to open a zoo. Have you got any advice?"
"Yes,"
replied Dracula, "have lots of giraffes."
Come on, Fred,
I'll take you to the zoo. If
the zoo wants me, let them come and get
me!
Fred's class was taken to the Natural History
Museum in New York. "Did you enjoy yourself?" asked her mother when
she
got home.
"Oh, yes," replied Fred. "But it was funny going to
a dead
zoo."
Fred was definitely more than a bit dumb; when his
pal asked him how he
had enjoyed his day at the zoo, he replied,
"it was a total con! I saw
a sign that said To The Monkeys, so I
followed it and saw the monkeys.
Then I saw another sign that said To
The Bears, so I followed that and
saw the bears. But when I followed
a sign that said To the Exit, I
found myself out on the street."
There was this truck driver who had to
deliver
500 penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck
through
the desert, his truck breaks down. After about 3 hours, he waves
another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to
the state zoo for him.
The next day the original truck driver
arrives in town and sees the new
truck driver crossing the road
with 500 penguins walking in single file
behind him.
The
original truck driver jumps out of his truck and asks, "What's
going on?
I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!"
The new
truck driver responds, "I did take them to the zoo. And I had
enough
money left over so now we're going to see a movie."
The
Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year
they predicted the general luck and
overall mood of the year by
watching the the gnu. If the gnu's ears
were forward, that meant a
successful, joyous year was almost certain to
happen. But if his ears
were laid back flat against his head, it meant
that an unlucky or
very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was
young Mary's
turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the
prediction. It was
her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to
take the
key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu.
Well,
she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in
fact
it was quite good. To explain the error, the local newspaper ran
the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S
EAR!
A father and his small son were standing in front
of the tiger's
cage at the zoo.
Father was explaining how
ferocious and strong tigers are and junior
was taking it all in
with a serious expression.
Dad," the boy said finally, "if the
tiger got out of his cage and ate
you up ..."
"Yes, son?" the
father said expectantly.
"What bus should I take home?" the boy
finished.
Starting his new job at the zoo, the eager young
zoo keeper
asked the Head keeper what he should do for his first task.
"Go and
clean out the aquarium" he was told.
Arriving at the aquarium, he
discovered that all the fish were dead. He
rushed back to the head
keeper and asked what he should do. "Throw
them to the lions" said
the head keeper, "the lions will eat anything".
So the young keeper
returned to the aquarium, picked up all the dead
fish and threw
them into the lion's cage. That done, he returned and
asked what he
should do now.
He was instructed to go and clean out the ape house.
Off he went and
started cleaning. He was shocked to discover dead
chimpanzees in the
cage, and rushed back for instructions. "Dont
worry" said the head
keeper, "just throw them to the lions, the lions
will eat anything". So the
young man returns to the ape house
and throws the dead animals into the
lions cage.
Returning
again for instructions, he is told to go along and help clean
up the
insect house. Busy cleaning out one off the exotic hives, he
notices
that all the bees have died.
"I know what to do", he thinks to
himself "I'll throw them all to
the lions, as the lions will eat
anything", whereupon he brushes them
all up and throws them into the
lion cage. The next day, the zoo obtains
a new lioness. The lioness is
walking around the new cage for the first
time, and starts asking
the other lions what things are like here.
"Hows the
accommodation?", she asks. "Fine" comes the reply from one
lion. "And whats the
food like?" she asks.
"Not bad" replies another, "yesterday, we had
fish, chimps and mushy
bees".
My wife asked me to take her to the zoo the other
day. I
said, "If you want people to see you they can come here and
do
it!"
"Hey, Pop," pleaded Angelo, "can I go to the zoo
to see the monkeys?"
"What's the matter with you?" asked his
father.
"Why would you wanna go see the monkeys when your Aunt
Maud is
here?"
Sauer and Tolbert went to the zoo and watched in
awe as a lion let
loose with a spine-tingling roar.
"Let's
get out of here!" said Sauer.
"Go on, if'n you want to," said
the other redneck. "But Ah'm
stayin' for the whole movie!"
An enterprising mayor of the city of
Granby,
Quebec, a community south of Montreal, established a municipal zoo
that has become a significant tourist attraction. It has also given rise
to many unusual events.
Last September one of the star
attractions, Arnold, an Indonesian ape,
escaped to the dismay of the zoo
director. The matter was a serious one
because the members of the
staff of the zoo, while expert at caring for
animals, had no
experience whatsoever in rounding them up or capturing
them.
The zoo
director appealed to the office of the mayor for help and the
secretary to the mayor asked, "Have you looked in the yellow pages"?
The
director said he hadn't, but would, immediately.
To his
surprise, under "animal capturing service" he found a listing
for the
Acme Ape Apprehenders. He called them immediately.
Within 20
minutes, a panel truck arrived at the admin office of the zoo
and
a small man emerged and rushed to the director who was waiting at
the door.
"Is there a wooded area in the vicinity?", the
little man asked. The
director said there was, within one half mile from
the zoo. "Hop in
the truck", the little man said. The director did
and they drove off.
Minutes later they arrived at a small grove
and immediately spotted
Arnold on a branch about 25 feet above the
ground.
The two men got out, went to the back of the truck and
the little man
opened the door. An excited little dog jumped out
and began running
around in circles.
The little man reached
into the truck and took out a suitcase, which he
opened. In the
suitcase were a pair of handcuffs, which he handed to
the zoo director,
a sawed off shotgun, which he leaned against the trunk
of the tree,
and a baseball bat.
"Now," the little man said, "I'm going up
into the tree with the
baseball bat, and I'm going to knoc
k the ape out of the tree. The
instant the ape hits the ground the
dog, well trained, will bite the ape by
the crotch and chomp-down
with his jaws. The ape will, instantly and
instinctively, grab at
his crotch with both hands due to the pain, and you
snap the
handcuffs on and we've got him.
The zoo director, pointing to the
shotgun leaning against the tree,
said "I'm not too sure about this --
what's the gun for?"
The little man said, "Look, I'm an
expert. I know what I'm doing and
things will go just fine, after all,
I have the baseball bat. I know my
job and it'll never happen but
if the ape should, by any chance, knock
ME out of the tree, SHOOT
THE DOG!!!"
Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a
holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla
cage
at the Bronx Zoo. The gorilla took one look at this beautiful
young
nun, bent the bars, lept to the ground and kissed her. Then
he went back
into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed
thumping on his massive
chest. The nouns met again a week later and one
of the nouns asked her
friend,"I have one question.Did he sent
flowers
afterwards...?"
Caller: Finally! I got through! I've been trying
to call the zoo for
hours!
Zookeeper: Yes, all our lions were
busy!
A Scotsman paying his first
visit to a zoo
stopped by one of the cages
"An' whut animal would that be ?" he asked
the keeper.
"Thats a moose from Canada", came the reply.
"A moose
!!", exclaimed the Scotsman. "Hoots, mon, if that's a
moose then
they must ha' rats the size of elephants over there !"
What
did the Hollywood producer say to the
Apes in the zoo when they refused
to sign contracts to appear in his
new film?
Stop playing it cagey!
When an ape visits his tailor, what kind of a
suit does he order?
A zoo-t suit!
FRED: Did I ever tell you about the time I came
face to face with a very fierce gorilla?
BERT: No, what
happened?
FRED: Well, I stood there, without a gun . . . The gorilla
looked at me
and snarled and roared and beat his chest. Then it came
closer and
closer . . .
BERT: What did you do?
FRED:
Oh, I'd had enough, so I moved on to the next cage.
What's
the difference between a Northern zoo
and a Southern zoo?
In a Northern zoo you have the name of the
animal and the Latin name
underneath. In a Southern zoo you haven the
name of the animal and a
recipe underneath.
Little Jordan wanted to go to the zoo and pestered
his
parents, Al and
Elaine, for days. Finally Elaine talked
Jordan's reluctant
father into taking him. And so Jordan and Al got
into the car and
left.
"So how was it?" Elaine asked when
they returned home.
"Great," Little Jordan replied.
"Did you
and your father have a good time?" asked Elaine.
"Yeah, Daddy
especially liked it," exclaimed Jordan, excitedly,
"especially when
one of the animals came racing home at 30 to
1!"
What did the zoo keeper say when he saw four
elephants walking over the
hill towards him wearing
sunglasses?
Nothing, he didn't recognize them!
Zoo Keeper:"I've lost one of my
elephants"
Other Zoo Keeper:"Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
Zoo
Keeper:"Don't be silly, he can't read!"
A father and his small son were standing in front
of the tiger's cage at the zoo. Father was explaining how
ferocious
and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a
serious
expression. Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out
of his
cage and ate you up ..."
"Yes, son?" the father said
expectantly. "What bus should I take
home?" the boy finished.
You don't see many reindeer in zoos, do
you?
No. They can't afford the admission.
Zoo visitor: What's the new
baby hippo's
name? Hippopotamus keeper: I don't know, he won't tell
me.
