Why do women have smaller feet than men?
- It allows them to stand closer to the sink.
How do you know when a
woman is about to say
something smart?
- She starts her sentence with "A man once
told me..."
How do you
fix a woman's watch?
- It
doesn't matter. There is a clock on the oven.
If your dog is
barking at the back door and
your wife is yelling at the front door, who
do you let in first?
- The dog. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a
Male Chauvinist Pig?
- A woman that won't do what she's told.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months!
- I don't like to interrupt her.
Scientists have discovered a food
that
diminishes a woman's sex drive by up to 90%.
- It's called wedding
cake.
My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
-
I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and
rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.
- Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Why do men die before
their wives?
-
They want to.
A man inserted an advertisement in the
classifieds section with the heading "Wife Wanted."
- The next day
he received a hundred letters saying "You can have
mine."
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they
see a 5-story
hotel with a sign that reads, "For Women Only." Since
they are without
their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go
in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it
works. "We
have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find
what you are
looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide
since each floor has
a sign telling you what's inside."
They start going up and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the
men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without
hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second
floor reads, "All the men here are short and
handsome." Still, this
isn't good enough, so the friends continue on
up.
They
reach the third floor and the sign reads, "All the men here are
tall
and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there
nare still two floors left, they continue on up.
On the fourth
floor, the sign is perfect. "All the men here are tall
and
handsome." The women get all excited and are about to go in when
they
realize that there is still one floor left.
Wondering what they
would be missing, they head on up to the fifth
floor.
On the
fifth floor they find a sign that reads, "There are no men
here. This
floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a
woman."
A man was walking along a beach and stumbled
across an old
lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah.
This is
the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick
of these
wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one
wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said,
"I've always
wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get
very seasick.
"Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can
drive over there to
visit?"
The genie laughed and said,
"That's impossible! Think of the
logistics of that! How would the
supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
Think of how much
concrete! How much steel! You're going to have to
think of another wish."
The man agreed, and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he
said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My w
ives always said
that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So,
I wish that I could
understand women. I want to know how they feel
inside and what they're
thinking when they give me the silent
treatment. I want to figure out
why they're crying, know what they
really want when they say
'nothing', and know how to make them truly
happy."
The genie paused for a while and said, "How many lanes
do you want on
that bridge?"
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes
through a
severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad
to worse
when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in
particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front
of the
plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells,
"Well, if
I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be
memorable!
No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had
it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own
peril,
and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the
front of the
plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
"I can make you
feel like a woman," he says. This tall, tanned and
built guy with jet
black eyes starts to walk slowly up the aisle,
unbuttoning his shirt
one button at a time.
No one move
s. As this man approaches, the woman begins to get excited.
He
removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches
her,
and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and
whispers: "Iron this."
Why haven't Women landed on the Moon?
-
Because it doesn't need cleaning yet!
Should I have a baby after 35?
No, 35
children is enough.
What Do you tell a woman with two black
eyes
?
Nothing, you told her twice.
What do you call a woman who has lost
95% of
her intelligence?
Divorced.
Why do women pay more attention to their
appearance than
to improving their minds?
Because most men are
stupid, but few are blind.
Teacher: Who was the
first woman on earth?
Fred: I don't know, Sir.
Teacher: Come on, Fred, it has
something to do with an apple.
Fred: Granny Smith?
Why did the woman take a load of hay to bed?
To feed her nightmare.
Why did the women cross the road? Well thats
not the point what is she doing out of the kitchen?!!!
Why are women
such bad
drivers?
Because there is no road between the bedroom and the
bathroom.
Brother: What kind of sharks never eat women
?
Sister: Man-eating sharks.
Doctor Sawbones speaking. Oh, doctor, my
girlfriend's just dislocated her jaw. Can you come over in, say, three
or four weeks' time?
What do you calll a woman that people sit on
?
Cher !
Women are like computers -- even your smallest
mistakes are
stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
Women are like guns,
keep one around long
enough and you're going to want to shoot it.
A
fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding
night asks his mother, "Mom,
why are wedding dresses
white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town
that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mom, and then
seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why
are wedding dresses
white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household
appliances come in white."
Why did God invent shopping carts?
To teach
women how to walk on their hind legs.
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man,
"Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, and she gets mad,
and he says, "Now what are you mad about?" says, "If you don't
know
I'm not going to tell you."
One woman to another at a singles bar:
"I'm
not as optimistic about relationships as I used to be.
These days,
when I meet a man, I ask myself, Is this the guy I want my
children
to spend every other weekend with?"
Shortly after the birth
of their second
child, her husband offered to take her shopping for a
new dress. He
endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints
about which
figure flaw each dress accentuated. As she emerged from the
dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her
husband's opinion. By this time, he had learned just the right things to
say. "It's perfect!" he exclaimed. "It makes your waist look
smaller, your legs look longer and slenderizes your hips."
Just then,
a voice from the dressing room piped up. "If there's a
dress here
that will do all that- I'll take ten!"
Q: Why is a modem
better than a woman?
A: A modem doesn't mind if you talk to other modems. A modem doesn't
complain if you sit and play at the computer all night. A modem will
sit patiently and wait by the phone. A modem comes with an
instruction
manual.
A few women were discussing diet tips. When it
was mentioned
that getting enough exercise and sleep were just as
important as watching
food intake, one woman responded with surprise
that sleep was a factor.
Another replied: "Of course sleep is a
factor. The only time I'm not
eating is when I'm sleeping!"
A young woman with a happy, cheerful voice was
working in her husband's trucking line office. She answered a phone
call from a trucker asking for directions to the terminal. After a
short
conversation, he said he could hardly wait to meet her. "I
just know
you are small, blond with blue eyes," he said. "No," young
woman
replied, "I'm tall, brunette and have brown eyes." "Close
enough!" said
the trucker.
At a family gathering, husband began teasing his
wife
about how she always get her way. "Honey," she said to her
husband,
"when I get my way, that's a compromise."
"What is it
when I get my way?" he was quick to ask. She replied,
"That's a
miracle!"
A young man called his mother and announced
excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams.
"Now what
should I do?"
His mother has an idea.
"Why don't you send her
flowers, and on the card invite her to your
apartment for a home
cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later
the woman came
to dinner.
His mother called the next day to see
how things had gone.
" I was humiliated," he groaned. "She insisted
on washing the
dishes."
" What's wrong with that?" asked his
mother.
" We hadn't started eating yet."
OUESTION: What is cosmetics?
ANSWER:
Cosmetics is a woman's means for keeping a man from reading
between the
lines.
QUESTION: What is the difference between a
"Battery" and a woman?
ANSWER: A battery has a positive side.
QUESTION: What's the best way to get a youthful
figure?
ANSWER: Ask a woman her age.
A man was walking on the beach one day
and
he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it.
Inside was a genie. The genie said," I will grant you three wishes and
three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided,
"I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank
account.
POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There
was the
car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I
wish I was
irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of
chocolates.
What are the three fastest means of
communication?
Internet, telephone, telawoman.
Q: Which is easier for a man to
leave: the
women or the Wine?
A: It depends on the age.
Q: How many 'Real Women' does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of
Real Men around to do
it.
Q: What do you call a woman who marries an old,
ugly and poor man?
A: Stupid!
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman
without her
man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his
students to
punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her
man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is
nothing."
Smart man +
Smart Woman = Romance
Smart
Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair
Dumb
Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage
Boy: Do you have fever?
Girl: No,
why?
Boy: Cause you look hot!!!!!
