You're hiking around on Hampsted Heath (a park
near London) at the end of a long sunny day. You run across
(separately) the ghosts of Sir Winston Churchill, Sir Baden Powell, and
Sir Edmund
Hillary, who all give you directions to the nearest tube
stop. Whom
don't you believe? Your story teller, for there is no
such thing as a
completely sunny day in England.
Why did your sister cut a hole in her
new
umbrella ?
Because she wanted to be able to tell when it stopped
raining.
'You
never get anything right,'
complained the teacher. 'What kind of job
do you think you'll get when you
leave school ?'
'Well, I want to be the weather girl on TV.'
What did Santa
Claus's wife say during a
thunderstorm?
'Come and look at the rain, dear.'
How do sheep keep warm in winter
?
Central bleating !
How did you find the weather at camp?
It
was easy. I just went outside - and there it was!
A city boy was
on his first camping trip.
He was eating his lunch under a tree when an
old-timer came
along.
'It smells like rain,' he said to the boy.
The city boy
replied, 'They said it was lemonade.'
A man was
driving a black truck. His
lights were not on. The moon was not out. A lady
was crossing the
street. How did the man see her?
It was a bright, sunny day.
If six children and two dogs were under
an
umbrella, how come none of them got wet?
Because it wasn't
raining.
What doesn't get any wetter no matter
how
much it rains?
The ocean
What is a Mexican weather report?
Chilli
today, hot tamale.
If a farmer raises wheat in dry weather,
what does he raise in wet weather?
An umbrella.
Why is it so wet in Great Britain?
Because
of all the kings and queens that reigned (rained) there.
What
person adds best in hot weather?
A
summer.
What kind of umbrella does the Queen of
England carry on a
rainy day?
A wet one.
If a band plays music in a thunderstorm, who
is most likely to get hit by lightning?
The conductor.
Who is it that everybody listens to but nobody
believes?
The weatherman.
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy
days?
Because then the children have to play inside.
Why do hurricanes
travel so
fast?
Because if they travelled slowly, we'd have to call them
slow-i-canes.
What is a tornado ?
Mother nature doing the
twist !
Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual
morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio.
"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow
emergency has
been declared," the weather report said.
"You must
park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."
Ole said,
"Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee. The next day they
were
sitting down with their morning cups of coffee.
The weather forecast
was, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today,
and a snow
emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the
even numbered
side of the streets."
Again Ole replied, "Jeez, okay," and got
up from his coffee. Two days
later, again they're sitting down
with their cups of coffee and the
weather forecast said, "There will
be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a
snow emergency has been
declared. You must park your cars on the..."
and the power went out
and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions.
He turned
to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?" Lena
replied, "Aw,
Ole, just leave the car in the damned garage
today."
"Gosh, it's raining cats and dogs," said Fred
looking out of the kitchen
window.
"I know," said his
mother.
"I've just stepped in a poodle!"
Fred: I'm sure I'm right.
Betty: You're
as right as rain - all wet!
There was a communist
named Rudolph. One
day he looked out the window and said, "It looks like a
storm is
coming." "No it isn't," said his wife. "Besides, how
would you know?"
"Because," he responded, "Rudolph the Red knows rain,
dear."
Two Viking invaders are trudging up the beach
in the pouring
rain. One looks skywards and says, "So this is
England. What's it
like?" The other snarls, "Well, if you like the
weather, you'll love
the food."
A postcard home: The weather is here. Wish you
were beautiful.
There's a technical term for a sunny, warm
day which
follows two rainy days. It's called Monday.
Why did the lady go out
doors with her
purse open? Because she expected some change in the
weather.
Nate: "Hey, what's the weather like out
there?" Kate: "I
don't know. I'll tell you when it clears."
First cave man to 2nd cave
man: "I don't
care what you say. We never had such unusual weather
before they
started using bows and arrows."
How to predict weather in Seattle: If you can
see Mt Ranier, it's going to rain. If not, it already is.
What
happens when the fog lifts in
California? UCLA.
It was so hot today I saw
a robin picking
earthworms out of the ground with a pair of tongs.
I
really don't understand why the federal
government was so slow to send
aid to the areas hit by Hurricane
Andrew. After all, both Florida and
Louisiana have oil.
The U.S. has only three hurricane warning
centers
- Coral Gables, FL, Guam, and Honolulu, HI (recently
completed). All
three have faced Category 4 hurricanes in the past month.
Which only goes
to show: If you build it, they will come!
Where do wind gusts go to on
dates?
-To Chicago
What do clouds want to be when they grow
up?
-Thunderstorms
In the summer desert heat, what did a dust
devil say
to the over-talkative dust devil?
-You are really
blowing a lot of hot air
A weather intern walks into
a bar and asks
for a Cold Draft. Suddenly the bar door swings open and
gusty cool
air fills up the bar. After drinking his Draft things seem
to get
back to normal. The guy then orders a Thunderclap on ice.
Suddenly
the roof gets pelted with hail stones and an intense lightning flash
and thunderous explosion rock the bar. After drinking his Thunderclap
things seem to once again get back to normal. Feeling rather good
at
this point he asks for a third drink- ordering a Tornado on the
rocks.
This time the bar is not only pelted with even larger hail
stones but
ferocious winds rip the door off its hinges, shake the bar
violently and
break every window. Feeling extra good and cocky at
this point he then
orders an extra large and extra strong Hurricane.
The bartender after
this request looks up at the guy perplexed and
says, "Sorry fella, we
have no Hurricanes in Kansas".
Why did the tornado get
arrested?
-For speeding, theft, vandalism, assault and murder
Where is a tornado put in jail to be
punished?
-In a high pressure cell
Why can't meteorologists forecast the
weather?
-They are too busy studying comets and meteors
How easy is it for
wind gusts to talk to
each other?
-It is a breeze
What type of music do lightning bolts listen
to?
-Rock and Roll
Why do tornadoes move so
erratically?
-They are dizzy
How is a hailstone like an
onion?
-They are both whitish and have layers
Why did the Aggie take a golf
club and a
baseball glove storm chasing with him?
-To golf the golf ball
size hail and catch the baseball size hail
How
is snow white?
-Pretty
good, according to the 7 dwarfs
What is the opposite of a
cold
front?
-A warm back
What do hurricanes most like to eat for
dessert?
-Candy Canes
What did the primary rainbow say to the
secondary rainbow?
-Your pants are on backwards
How did the rainbow know is was
lost?
-It was a clear day
Why does frost not like to lay out in the
sun?
-It burns too easily
Why don't tornadoes watch Bill O'Reilly on
FOXNEWS?
-It is a no spin zone
A tornado walks into a bar and orders a
Hurricane. The bartender asks why he is ordering a Hurricane when he is a
tornado. The tornado responds with, "I am a hurricane induced
tornado".
Rumor has it that the new Miami baseball team
will be called "Humidity" so that fans in Florida will be able to
say, "It's not the Heat that's so bad, it's the Humidity."
The
Indians asked their Chief in autumn,
if the winter was going to be cold or
not. Not really knowing an
answer, the chief replies that the winter
was going to be cold and
that the members of the village were to collect
wood to be
prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and
called
the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be
cold?"
The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to
be quite
cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his
people to collect
even more wood to be prepared.
A week later he
called the National Weather Service again, "Is it
going to be a
VERY cold winter?"
"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a
very cold winter."
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders
them to go and find
every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks
later he calls the National
Weather Service again: "Are you absol
utely sure, that the winter is
going to be very
cold?"
"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like
crazy!"
What is the most popular game played by
tornadoes? -Catch my
drift
What is the most popular sport played by
raindrops and hail
stones?
-Diving
Where do lightning bolts go on
dates?
-To cloud 9
What type of sense of humor does rain
have?
-A very wet sense of humor
What type of sense of humor does a dust
storm have?
-A very dry sense of humor
Why did the weather want
privacy?
-It was changing
Why do raindrops like lightning at
night?
-So they can see where they are going
What did the hurricane say to
the palm
tree?
-Hang onto your leaves, this will be no ordinary
breeze
What did the lightning bolt say to the old oak
tree?
-Hang onto your bark, this will be no ordinary
spark
What did the
hail storm say to the
roof?
-Hang onto your shingles, this will be no ordinary
sprinkles
How do
hurricanes see?
-With
one eye
What are hurricanes with a central dense
overcast over
the eye called?
-Hurricanes with cataracts
Why did the updraft get pulled
over?
-It was speeding in a high shear zone
What do lightning bolts do when they
laugh?
-They crack up
What is a hurricane's favorite
pet?
-Anywhere from 1 to 5 cats
What game do tornadoes like to
play?
-Twister
How did the hail stone describe it's
life?
-It really has a lot of ups and downs
How do rain drops marry?
-They
coalesce
Why was the lightning grilled on the
stove?
-To make heat lightning
Why type of lightning likes to play
sports?
-Ball lightning
What cloud is so lazy because it will not get
up?
-Fog
How can you tell if a tornado is
stupid?
-If it spins anti-cyclonically
What type of wind is named after both
a
cat and a bat?
Katabatic
What type of wind is named after Santa
Claus's warm climate cousin?
Santa Ana
What type of wind is named after a young
deer?
Foehn
How does a male lightning bolt feel when he
notices an
attractive female lightning
bolt?
Thunderstruck
Why is the sky not happy on clear
days?
It has the blues
Which weather features do druggies like
most?
Highs
What do freezing rain and cake icing have in
common?
Both are a glaze
Why were the vets and pounds
mad?
It was raining cats and dogs
Out in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with
sudden devastation, and without warning. In one case, a house was
completely whisked away, leaving only the foundation and first floor. A
silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the
only
remaining part of the house left above the floor. The rescue
squad rushed
to her aid and found her unhurt. She was just sitting
there in the tub,
talking to herself.
"It was the most amazing
thing ... it was the most amazing thing."
she kept repeating dazedly.
"What was the most amazing thing, Ma'am?" asked one of the
rescuers.
"I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath, and all I did
was
pull the plug and dog-gone-it if the whole house didn't suddenly
drain
away."
Where did the meteorologist stop for a drink
on the way home
from a long day in the studio?
The nearest
ISOBAR!!
The Michaels family owned a small farm in
Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had
been the
subject of a minor dispute between the United States and
Canada for
generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her
ninetieth
birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three
grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I
just got some
news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an
agreement with
the people in Washington. They've decided that our
land is really part
of the United States. We have the right to
approve or disapprove of the
agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now
and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of
those Canadian winters!"
Q) How do you spot a happy motorcyclist in
fair weather?
A) He's got bugs on his teeth.
If you are standing in the main
street of
Amsterdam, and can't see the clock tower of the Central Railway
Station, that means it is raining. If you can see the clock tower, that
means it is about to rain.
Years ago, Nebraskans got tired of leaning
into the wind, having their top soil blown away, and chickens laying
their eggs two and three times. Seems the wind continually came down
from
Canada, and there was nothing between Canada and Nebraska to
stop it.
The farmers all got together and decided to build a fence
across the
North Border of the State of Nebraska. . . . the idea
being, to stop that
cold wind. It might've worked, too. The barbed
wire they used was
strong enough, .but the real problem was that a
couple owners of farms on
the upper boarder kept leaving their gates
open.
During the month of
June and July. Here in
the panhandle it got pretty hot in this area. In
Fact people were
even overworking in the heat. So one day I was working
outside in
the heat and then i thought i better get inside. My Boss
asked me
where i was going and i told him i am going inside to cool down .
He
said that i better get back to work. I said i cant, he said how
come.? Because it is so hot out here that i have to go inside to change my
mind.
Recently during the heavy rains they have experienced in
New
England the mail carrier for one neighborhood commeneted on the
"pouring
rain." Well , atleast the dew point is coming down!
There is a Shreveport cable TV channel that
broadcasts the (live) video of the Shreveport radar and the audio of
the
NOAA weather radio station. When explaining why he knew he
should go
into meteorology, he said that when he was young, he would
sometimes
watch the channel even when there were no echoes, just for
fun.
Two
weathermen each broke an arm and a leg
in an accident, and called from the
hospital about the four
casts.
Q. What did one tornado say to the
other?
A. "Let's twist again, like we did last summer...."
Q. What's the
difference between
'weather' and 'climate'?
A. You can 't 'weather' a tree, but you can
'climate'!
Q: What
did the thermometer say to the
other thermometer?
A: You make my temperature rise.
Q: What did the hurricane say to the other
hurricane?
A: I have my eye on you.
Q: What's the difference between a horse
and the weather?
A: One is reined up and the other rains down.
Jill: How did you find
the weather on your
vacation?
Bill: I just went outside and there it was!
It only rains twice a
year in Seattle:
August through April and May through July.
What is hail
?
Hard boiled rain !
Q:What did the tornado say to the car?
A:('You wanna go for a spin?')
What are the hottest days during
summer?
Sun-days
Q. What did the fog say to the light rain
after her
vacation?
A. I mist you.
