Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my
soup!
Waiter: Don't worry, Sir, it's not that hot!
A waiter brings the
customer the steak he
ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the
customer, "with your hand on my steak?"
"What" answers the waiter, "You
want it to fall on the floor
again?"
Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st
customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the
glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one
asked for the clean glass?"
Waiter,
waiter, do you have frog's
legs?
Certainly, Sir!
Well hop over here and get me a sandwich!
Two attorneys went into a
diner and ordered
two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their
briefcases and
started to eat. The waiter became quite concerned and
marched over
and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in
here!" The
attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then
exchanged sandwiches.
Customer: Give me a hot dog.
Waiter: With
pleasure.
Customer: No, with mustard.
Waiter, what's this fly doing in my
soup?
Um, looks to me to be backstroke, sir
Waiter, there's a fly in my
soup!
Don't worry sir, the spider on the breadroll will get 'em.
Waiter,
there's a fly in my soup!
No
sir, that's a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.
Waiter,
there's a fly in my soup!
Keep
it down sir, or they'll all be wanting one.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Its OK,
Sir, there's no extra charge!
Waiter, there's a fly in my
soup!
Force
of habit, sir. Our chef used to be a tailor.
Waiter, there's a
fly in my
soup!
Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin
bread.
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
I know,
but unfortunately we are out of turtle.
Waiter, there is a
fly in my soup!
Sorry
sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Surely
not, sir. It must be one of those vitamin bees you hear so much
about.
Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my
soup!
Then we've served you too much soup, the fly should be
wading
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
Yes
sir, it's the hot water that kills them.
Waiter, there's a dead
fly in my
soup!
What do you expect for $1 - a live one?
Waiter, what's this fly
doing in my
soup?
It's fly soup sir!
Waiter, waiter, there's a bee in my
soup.
Yes Sir, it's the fly's day off.
Waiter, I'd like a cup of coffee,
please,
with no cream.
I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of cream. How about
with no
milk?
Waiter, what is this stuff?
That's bean
salad sir.
I know what it's been, but what is it now?
Waiter, I can't seem to
find any oysters
in this oyster soup.
Would you expect to find angels in angel
cake?
Waiter, your tie is in
my soup!
That's
all right, sir, it's not shrinkable.
And how did you find your steak sir?
Well,
quite accidentally. I moved this tomato slice and there it
was
Waiter: These are the best eggs we've had for
years.
Diner: Well, bring me some you haven't had around for that
long.
How
many waiters does it take to change a
light bulb?
None, a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.
Waiter, waiter!
There's a dead spider in
my soup.
Yes, ma'am, they can't stand the boiling water.
Waiter, waiter!
There's a spider in my
soup. Send for the manager! It's no good, sir,
he's frightened of
them, too.
Waiter, waiter! What's this creepy crawly
thing doing in my dinner?
Oh, that one ? he comes here every
night.
Why do waiters prefer
elephants to flies?
Have you ever heard anyone complaining of a elephant in their soup?
.
What will a monster eat in a restaurant?
The waiter.
Customer: Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter: So laugh, sir.
Waiter, waiter! There's a mosquito in my
soup.
Don't worry sir, mosquitoes have very small appetites !
I say waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Well throw him a doughnut - they make fantastic life belts!
Waiter,
waiter, this lobster's only got
one claw.
It must have been in a fight, sir.
Then bring me the
winner.
"Waiter, waiter,there's a hand in my
soup."
"That's not your soup, sir, that's your finger bowl."
Waiter,
waiter! There's a wasp in my
dessert.
So that's where they go to in the winter.
Customer: Do you have
bacon and eggs on the
menu:
Waiter: No, we clean our menus regularly.
Customer: How come the Board of Health hasn't
come in and closed you up?
Waiter: They're afraid to eat
here.
Customer: How long must I wait
for that
turtle soup I ordered?
Waiter: Well, you know how slow turtles are.
Customer: I didn't
order this.
Waiter:
I know, but your meal tastes worse.
Customer: I thought the
meals here were
supposed to be like mother used to make.
Waiter: They are. She
couldn't cook either.
Customer: That crust on
the apple pie was
too tough.
Waiter: That wasn't the crust, that was the pie plate.
Customer: There's something wrong with my hot
dogs.
Waiter: Sorry, I'm a waiter, not a veterinarian.
Customer: This fish
isn't as good as what
I ordered here last month.
Waiter: That's funny. It's from the
same fish.
Customer: Waiter, I
can't eat this
meal.
Waiter: Why not? It looks all right to me.
Customer: I don't have
a fork.
Customer: Waiter, I found a hair in
my
turtle soup.
Waiter: How about that! The turtle and the hare finally got
together.
Customer: Waiter, look at this chicken! It's
nothing but skin and
bones.
Waiter: Would you like the feathers,
too?
Customer: Waiter, there's a button in my
salad.
Waiter: It must have come off while the salad was dressing.
Customer:
Waiter, this food is repeating on
me.
Waiter: Good, we love repeat business.
Customer: What is this fly
doing in my
alphabet soup?
Waiter: Probably learning to read.
Customer: Why does your sign say
"Fine
Dining"?
Waiter: We can dream, can't we?
Customer: Why doesn't this
restaurant have
any specials?
Waiter: Because nothing about this food is special.
Customer: Why doesn't your menu list
prices?
Waiter: We didn't want to make you sick before the food
does.
Customer: Why don't you eat here,
waiter?
Waiter: Serving it is bad enough, I don't want to compound the
felony.
Customer: Why don't you have doggie
bags?
Waiter: That would be cruelty to animals.
Customer: Why is this
sandwich half eaten?
Waiter: I didn't have time to finish it.
Diner: Could I have a glass
of
water?
Waiter: To drink?
Diner: No, I want to rinse out a few things.
Diner: May I please have a glass of
water?
Waiter: Why, are you thirsty?
Diner: No, I want to see if my neck
leaks.
Diner: Waiter, please
close the
window.
Waiter: Why, is there a draft?
Diner: Yes, it's blown my steak off
the plate three times.
Diner:
Waitress, the portions are getting
smaller.
Waiter: It's just an optical illusion. It's just that the
restaurant
has been enlarged.
Diner: What's wrong with these eggs I
ordered?
Waiter: Don't ask me. I only laid the table.
Diner: Why are the
waiters in here so
nasty?
Waiter: Look at who they have to serve.
Patron: Didn't you tell me the chef here
cooked for the late heads of Europe?
Waiter: Yes, and that's why
they are the late heads of
Europe.
Patron: Hey, there's a fly in my
soup!
Waiter: Why are you complaining? Isn't it cooked?
Patron: How come
this fly is swimming in my
soup?
Waiter: I gave you too much. It should be wading.
Patron: This bread
is stale.
Waiter: It
wasn't last week.
Patron: Waiter, why is there a spider
in my
glass?
Waiter: It scares away the flies.
Waiter (serving soup): It looks like rain
today.
Patron: Yes it does, but it smells like soup.
Waiter: If you know the
food here is so
lousy, why do you keep coming back?
Customer: It reminds me of my
ex-wife's cooking.
Waiter: I'm sorry
I spilled a glass of
water on you.
Diner: That's all right. My suit is too large anyway.
Waiter: I'm
sorry to keep you waiting.
Your soup will be ready soon.
Customer: What bait are you using?
Waiter: Why are you taking so long
to
order?
Diner: I can't decide whether I want heartburn or nausea.
Waiter: Why didn't you make all the food on
that long order?
Cook: Because I'm a short order cook.
Q: How many Waiters does it
take to change
a light bulb?
A: None, even a burned out bulb can't catch a
waiters eye
"Waiter !
Have you got frogs' legs ? "
"No, sir, I always walk this way"
Waiter, Waiter there's a fly in
my
ice-cream !
Gee I did not know that they had started winter sports so early
in the
year !
Waiter, is there soup on the menu ?
No,
madam I wiped it off !
Waiter, there's a fly in my custard !
I'll
fetch him a spoon sir !
Waiter, there is a cockroach on my
steak
!
They don't seem to care what they eat do they sir !
Waiter, there is
a maggot in my soup
!
Don't worry sir, he won't last long in there !
Waiter, there is a
spider drowning in my
soup !
It hardly looks deep enough to drown in sir !
Waiter, there is a worm
on my plate
!
That's not a worm sir, it's your sausage ?
Waiter, there is a fly in my wine !
Well you
did ask for something with a little body in it!
Waiter,
there is a fly in my soup !
Yes
sir, thats the manager, the last customer was a witch doctor
!
Waiter, my lunch is talking to me !
Well you
did ask for a tongue sandwich !
Waiter, there's a fly in my
soup !
Yes,
it's the rotting meat that attracts them !
Waiter, are there
snails on the menu
!
Yes sir, they must have escaped from the kitchen !
Waiter, there is a mosquito in my soup
!
Don't worry sir, they don't eat much !
Waiter, there is a bee in my
alphabet soup
!
Yes sir, and I'm sure there is an A, C and all the other letters
too
!
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup !
Hold on
sir, I'll get the fly spray !
Waiter, I can't eat this
meat, it's
crawling with maggots !
Quick, run to the other end of the table and grab
it as it goes by
!
Waiter, what is this cockroach doing on my ice
cream sundae ?
Skiing sir !
Waiter, there is a fly in my bean soup
!
Don't worry sir I'll fish him out and exchange it for a bean
!
Waiter, what is this creepy-crawly doing in my
salad?
Not him again, he's in here every night !
Waiter, what's this bug
doing waltzing
around my table !
It's the band, sir, they are playing his tune !
Waiter, there is a
dead fly in my soup
!
No its not, it's a piece of dirt that looks like one !
Waiter, there
is a frog in my soup
!
Don't worry sir there isn't enough there to drown him !
Waiter, can you get rid of this fly in my
starter !
I can't do that sir, he's not had his main course yet
!
Sir you
haven't touched your
custard.
I'm just waiting for the fly to stop using it as a trampoline
!
"Waiter!" shouted the furious diner, "How dare
you serve me this!
There's a damn TWIG in my soup!"
"My
apologies," said the waiter. "I'll inform the branch
manager."
CUSTOMER: Can you make a pig cooler?
WAITER: Sure, spray him with a hose.
CUSTOMER: Can you make a pig
shake?
WAITER: Tell him the wolf is coming.
CUSTOMER: How do you make a pig float?
WAITER: Just give him an inner tube.
Waiter! Waiter! This salad is
frozen
solid.
Yes, sir. It's the iceberg lettuce that does it.
Waiter, this coffee
tastes like
dirt!
Yes sir, thats because it was only ground this morning.
