What do you call a gigantic polar
bear?
Nothing, you just run away!
What animal do you look like when you
get
into the bath ?
A little bear !
A lady was walking down the street to
work and she
saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The
parrot said to her,
"Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is
furious! She
stormed past the store to her work. On the way home
she saw the same parrot
and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really
ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same
parrot again said
to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The
lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she
would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied,
"That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.
When
the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot
called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
The
bird said, "You know."
There are bats hanging of a branch
upside down, all except one. Two bats comment: "What's happened to this
one?
- I don't know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then
he
fainted.
A vampire bat came flapping in from a
night of foraging, covered in
fresh blood. He parked himself on the
cave's roof to get some sleep.
Soon all the other bats smelled the
blood and began hassling him about
where he got it. He told them to
shut up and let him get some sleep, but
they persisted until he
finally gave in. "OK, follow me." He flew out
of the cave with
hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley
they went, across a
river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed
down and all the
other bats excitedly milled around him. "Do you see
that tree over
there?" "YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a
frenzy. "Well I
didn't!"
A boy at a cinema notices what looks
like a bear sitting next to him "Are you a bear?"
"Yes"
"What
are you doing at the movies ?"
"Well, I liked the book!"
Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey on
Thanksgiving?
They couldn't get the moose in the oven!
What's a pet's favorite
day?
...Saint Petrick's Day
What should you call a bald teddy ?
Fred bear !
What kind of money do polar bears use ?
Ice lolly !
A man takes his hamster to the vet, and
after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead. Not
happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.
The vet
gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog
nudges the
hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times
before shaking
his head. "There" says the vet," Your hamster is
dead". Still not
happy the man asks for a third opinion. The vet opens
the back door and
in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and
looks the hamster up
and down for a few minutes before looking up
and shaking it's head.
"It's definitely dead sir", says the vet.
Convinced, the man enquires
how much he owes. "That will be L1000,
please". "A L1000 just to
tell me my hamster is dead" fumes the man.
"Well", says the vet,
"There's my diagnosis, the lab report and
the cat scan".
Why do bears
have fur coats ?
Because they'd look stupid in anoraks !
What do you get if you cross
a
teddy bear with a pig ?
A teddy boar !
How do you hire a teddy bear?
Put
him on stilts !
Why is polar bear cheap to have as a
pet ?
It lives on ice !
What's a teddy bears favourite pasta ?
Tagliateddy !
What is a bear's favourite drink ?
Koka-Koala !
Why was the little bear so spoiled ?
Because its mother panda'd to its every whim !
What do you call a
big white bear
with a hole in his middle ?
A polo bear !
Why do polo bears like bald men ?
Because they have a great, white, bear place !
How do you start a teddy bear race ?
Ready, teddy, go !
What do polar bears have for lunch ?
Ice burger !
What do you get if you cross a grizzly
bear and a harp ?
A bear faced lyre !
What's yellow, comes from Peru, and is
completely unknown ?
Waterloo Bear, Paddington Bear's
forgotten cousin !
What do you get
if you cross a
skunk with a bear ?
Winnie the Pooh !
There's a guy who's hiking in the
woods one day when a bear chases him up a really tall tree.
The
bear started to climb the tree, so the guy climbed up higher. Then,
the bear climbed down and went away.
So the guy starts to climb
down the tree. Suddenly, the bear returns,
and this time he's
brought an even bigger bear with him. The two bears
climb up the tree,
the bigger bear going higher than the first. But the
guy climbed even
higher still, so the bears couldn't reach him.
Eventually, the
bears went away.
Naturally quite relieved, the guy starts down the
tree again. Suddenly,
the two bears return. But this time the guy
knew he was in big trouble.
Each bear was carrying a BEAVER.
Two hikers are out hiking. All of a
sudden, a bear starts chasing them.
They climb a tree, but the bear
starts climbing up the tree after them.
The first hiker gets his
sneakers out of his knapsack and starts
putting them on.
The
second hiker says, "What are you doing?"
The first responds, "I
figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll
have to jump down and
make a run for it."
The second says, "Are you crazy? Don't you
know you can't outrun a
bear?
The first guy says, "I don't
have to outrun the bear... I only have
to outrun you!"
What do you call a lion wearing a
cravat and a flower
in its mane ?
A dandy lion !
Why do you never see zebras or
antelopes at Victoria
Station ?
Because it's a 'mane-lion' station
!
What do you call a show full
of
lions ?
The mane event !
How does a leopard change its spots ?
When it gets tired of one spot it just moves to another !
What
happened to the man who tried
to cross a lioin with a goat ?
He had to get a new goat !
Why was the lion-tamer fined ?
He
parked on a yellow lion !
What's the difference between a tiger
and a lion ?
A tiger has the mane part missing !
What happened to the tiger who
took
a bath three times a day ?
After a week he was spotless !
What do you get if you cross a tiger
with a sheep ?
A stripey sweater !
What do you get if you cross a tiger
with a
kangeroo ?
A stripey jumper !
How are tigers like sergeants in the
army ?
They both wear stripes !
When is a lion not a lion ?
When he
turns into his cage !
What flies around your light at night
and can bite off your head ?
A tiger moth !
What did the lions say to his cubs when
he taught them to hunt ?
'Don't go over the road till you see
the zebra crossing.'
What do
tigers wear in bed ?
Stripey pyjamas !
What happened when the lion ate the
comedian ?
He felt funny !
Which big cat should you never play
cards with ?
A cheetah !
What is the fiercest flower in the
garden ?
The tiger lily !
What was the name of the film about a
killer lion that swam underwater ?
'Claws.'
If a four-legged animal is a quadruped
and a two-legged
animal is a biped, What's a tiger ?
A
stri-ped !
First Caribou: What kind of math do
owls like?
Second Caribou: Owlgebra.
First Caribou: Which bug does amazing
motor
cycle stunts?
Second Caribou: Evel Boll Weevil.
First Kangaroo: How do you tell the
difference between an elephant and a rhinoceros?
Second Kangaroo:
The elephant has a better memory.
First Kangaroo: What do you call it
when
giraffes moving one way get mixed up with giraffes moving another
way?
Second Kangaroo: A giraffic jam.
First Kangaroo: If you were
surrounded by 30 lions, 25 elephants and 10 hippos, how would you get away
from
them?
Second Kangaroo: Step off the merry-go-round.
What is a chameleon's
motto ?
A change is as good as a rest !
Why did the tadpole feel lonely ?
Because he was newt to the area !
What powerful reptile is found in
the Sydney opera house ?
The Lizard of Oz !
What's the definition of a nervous
breakdown ?
A chameleon on a tartan rug !
What kind of tiles can't you stick on
walls ?
Reptiles !
What do headmasters and bullfrogs have
in common ?
Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth !
Did you hear the
joke about the
skunk?
Never mind, it stinks!
How many skunks do you need to make a
house
really smelly?
Just a phew!
What do you get if you cross a skunk
and a dinosaur?
A stinkasaurus!
How can you tell when a skunk is
angry?
It raises a stink!
How can you tell a rabbit from a
skunk?
A skunk uses a cheaper deodorant!
What's a skunk's favourite game
in school?
Show and smell!
What do you get if you cross a skunk
and a boomerang?
A smell that keeps coming back!
What did the baby skunk want to be when
he grew up?
A big stinker!
What's a skunk's philosophy of
life?
Eat, stink and be merry!
Why did the skunk buy four boxes of
tissues?
Because he had a stinking cold!
Two skunks were being chased by a
bear. As the bear got closer, one of the skunks said "Whatever shall we
do?"
"Let us spray!" replied the other.
Why was the skunk angry?
He was
incensed!
What do you get if you cross a skunk
and a wasp?
Something that stinks and stings!
How are skunks able to avoid
danger?
By using their instinks and common scents!
What do you get if you
cross a
skunk and a cartoon penguin?
Pingu-Pong!
When should you feel sorry for a
skunk?
When its spray pump is out of order!
Did you hear about the skunk who
sat on a fan?
He got cut off without a scent!
Did you hear about the argumentative
skunk?
He always liked to make a stink!
What do you get if you cross a skunk
and a balloon?
A creature that stinks to high heaven!
What did the judge say when
the
skunk was on trial?
Odour in court!
What is the feeling that you've
smelled a certain
skunk before?
Deja phew!
What do you get if you cross a skunk
and an owl?
A bird that stinks but doesn't give a hoot!
What do you call a flying skunk?
A
smellicopter!
What happened to the skunk who failed
his swimming
lesson?
He stank to the bottom of the pool!
What did one skunk say to
another?
And so do you!
A skunk family had two little skunks
they called In
and Out. One day little In disappeared. Mother Skunk,
Father Skunk and
young Out spent hours looking for him, getting
more worried all the time.
In the end the parents went home to
have a cup of tea, but Out said
he'd continue searching for a while.
Half an hour later he returned home, with a tired In following
behind
him.
'However did you find him?' asked Father
Skunk.
'In-stinct,' replied Out.
What do reindeer say before telling you
a
joke ?
This one will sleigh you !
Why is a reindeer like a gossip
?
Because they are both tail bearers !
How would you get four reindeer
in
a car?
Two in the front and two in the back!
And how do you get
four polar bears in a car?
Take the reindeer out first
What's the difference between a
reindeer
and a snowball?
They're both brown, except the snowball.
What do you call the
reindeer with
one eye higher than the other?
Isaiah!
What has antlers, pulls Father
Christmas' sleigh and is made
of cement?
I don't know.
A
reindeer!
What about the cement?
I just threw that in to make it hard.
What do you get if you cross a hedgehog
with a giraffe ?
A long necked toothbrush !
What's black and white and makes a lot
of
noise?
A zebra with a set of drums.
What do you get if you cross a zebra
with an ape man?
Tarzan stripes forever.
Which is the most dangerous animal in
the
Northern Hemisphere?
Yak the Ripper
How do you weigh a whale?
On Whale
Weigh Scales.
What is the best advice to give a worm?
Sleep late.
A family of tortoises went into a cafe
for some ice
cream. They sat down and were about to start when
Father Tortoise said, "I
think it's going to rain. Junior, will you
pop home and fetch my
umbrella?"
So off went junior for
Father's umbrella, but three days later he
still hadn't returned.
"I think, dear," said Mother Tortoise to Father Tortoise, "that we
had better eat junior's ice cream before it melts."
And a
voice from the door said, "If you do that I won't go."
Deep
within a forest a little
turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of
effort he reached the top,
jumped into the air waving his front legs and
crashed to the
ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree
again, jumped, and
fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again
while a couple
of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the
female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I
think it's
time to tell him he's adopted."
There once was a baby
elephant and
a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For
no
reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail,
really
hard.
Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up,
is by the same
river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when
the same turtle that
bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders
up to the river.
The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the
turtle as hard as he can,
sending him flying way off into the jungle.
"Why did you do that?" the
giraffe asks. "When we both were babies,
that turtle bit my tail for
no reason," the elephant replied. "Wow!
You must have a good memory!"
exclaimed the giraffe.
"Yep!"
said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall."
What's
black and white, stinks and
hangs from a line?
A drip dry skunk.
What did the slug say as he slipped
down the window very fast?
How slime flies!
What did one slug say to another who
had hit him and
rushed off?
I'll get you next slime!
What do you do when two snails have a
fight?
Leave them to slug it out.
How do snails get their shells all
shiny?
They use snail polish.
What gas do snails prefer?
Shell.
A snail starts a slow climb up the
trunk of an apple tree. He is watched by a sparrow who can't help
laughing
and eventually says "Don't you know there aren't any apples
on the
tree yet?" "Yes," said the snail, "but there will be by the
time I
get up there."
An old lady was considering buying a
squirrel fur
coat. "But will it be all right in the rain?" she asked
anxiously.
"Oh certainly, ma'am," said the manager smoothly.
"After all,
you've never seen a squirrel with an umbrella have you?"
How does a
group of dolphin's make
a decision?
Flipper coin!
Why did the dolphin feel crabby?
Because he ate too many crabs!
Does a dolphin ever do something by
accident?
No, they do everything on porpoise!
Which ghost sailed the seven seas
looking for rubbish and blubber?
The ghost of BinBag the Whaler.
How could the dolphin afford to buy a
house ?
He prawned everything !
Why are dolphins cleverer than humans ?
Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool
and
feed them fish !
What did Cinderella Dolphin where to
the ball?
Glass flippers!
What did the baby dolphin do when he
didn't get his
way?
He whale-d
Who held the baby octopus to ransom ?
Squidnappers !
How does an octopus go to war ?
Well-armed !
Who robs banks and squirts ink?
Billy the Squid.
What happened to the cold jellyfish ?
It set !
What do you call a neurotic octopus?
A crazy, mixed-up squid.
What is slimy and wobbly, tastes of
raspberry and lives in the seas?
A red jellyfish.
Why did the jellyfish's wife leave
him?
He stung her into action.
Where do you find a down-and-out
octopus ?
On squid row !
What does an octopus wear on a cold
day?
A coat of arms!
What's wet and wiggly and says how do
you do sixteen
times?
Two octopuses shaking hands.
What does an octopus take on a camping
trip?
Tentacles!
What does a squid sheriff form?
An
octoposse!
Who was the most famous pirate
octopus?
Captain Squid!
What's an octopuses favourite latin
saying?
Squid pro quo!
What happens when sharks take their
clothes off ?
They go sharkers !
If they made a movie starring the Loch
Ness monster and the great white shark from Jaws, what would the
movie
be called?
Loch Jaws.
How do you shoot a great white shark?
Hold his nose until he turns blue and then you shoot him with a blue
shark spear gun!
What is the most famous
shark?
William Sharkspeare!
What do you call rubber bumpers on
yachts?
Shark absorbers!
Did you hear about the new shark food
restaurant
called Jaws?
It costs an arm and a leg to eat
there!
Where do sharks come
from?
Sharkago!
What's the favourite flavour of
sharks?
Shark-o-late!
What kind of sharks make good
carpenters?
Hammerheads!
What do you call someone who sticks his
right hand in
shark's mouths?
Lefty!
If a hungry shark is after you, what
should you feed it?
Jawbreakers!
Why did a gambler scare everyone out
swimming?
He was a card shark!
Are shellfish warm?
No they're
clammy!
What lives in the ocean, is grouchy and
hates
neighbours ?
A hermit crab !
What kind of noise annoys an oyster ?
A noisy noise annoys an oyster ! (Try saying that fast!)
What is a
dolphin's favorite TV
show ?
Whale of fortune !
Why did the whale cross the road ?
To get to the other tide !
What is a whale's favorite TV
show?
Flukes of Hazard!
Why don't whales eat sushi very
often?
Of course whales like sushi. It's just those itty-bitty chop
sticks
that keep getting stuck in their teeth.
Why did the whale like the
diver?
Because he had flippers!
What kind of whale flies?
Pilot
whales!
Why did the gray whale go on a
diet?
Because he wasn't a Fin whale!
What's at the end of Moby Dick?
A
whale of a time!
Did you hear about the whale who
couldn't keep a
secret?
He was a blubber mouth!
What do you get if you cross an eel
with a
shopper?
A slippery customer.
What do you get if you cross a bottle
of water
with an electric eel?
A bit of a shock really!
How should you treat a baby
goat?
Like a kid.
What is a buttress?
A female
goat.
One goldfish to his tankmate:
"If
there's no God, who changes the water?"
Did you hear about the
boy who was
told to do 100 lines?
He drew 100 cats on the paper.
He thought
the teacher had said lions.
There was once a puppy called
May
who loved to pick quarrels with animals who were bigger than she
was. One day she argued with a lion. The next day was the first of June.
Why ? Because that was the end of May!
What happened to the lizard in the
wizard's garden pond?
He had him newt-ered.
What purrs along the road and leaves
holes in
the lawn?
A Moles Royce.
Why was the young kangaroo thrown out
by his mother?
For smoking in bed.
What would you get if you crossed a
grizzly with
the world's greatest basketball player?
Bear
Jordan.
What are the most athletic
rodents?
Track and field mice.
Q. Why did Mrs. Smokey the Bear divorce
Smokey the Bear?
A. Because every time she got hot, he'd beat
her with a shovel!
Q:
What did the emu say to the
nurse?
A: Mend her bones or walk the plank
Why don't lobsters share?
They're
shellfish.
Turtle to turtle: "Don't ya just love
the sound
of rain on your roof?"
What do you give a deer with an upset
stomach?
Elkaseltzer.
Exasperated dragon on the field of
battle:
"Mother said there would be knights like this."
A hungry lion was
roaming through
the jungle looking for something to eat.
He came across two men. One
was sitting under a tree reading a book;
the other was typing away
on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on
the man reading the
book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that
readers digest, and writers
cramp.
Mama bear to Papa bear:
"Well... You
might call it hibernating -- I call it 'goofing
off'."
One day Mullah was beating his donkey
in a remote place. A man saw
him and asked: why are you beating the
poor animal. Sorry, said Mullah,
is it a member of your family?
Q. What did the snail say when he
hitched a ride on the turtle?
A. Wheeeee!!!!!
One day there was a tortoise walking on
the road. Along came the hare that had once been defeated by the
tortoise in a race. The hare was so angry from what had happened to
him so he
challenged him to another race. The tortoise gladly
accepted his
challenge. It ended up that the tortoise and the hare never
finished the race
because they both took a nap right before the
finish line. So the
tortoise is still the champion of the race. So
remember this you snooze you
loose!
This little snail bought a little car
and took it to the body
shop to have it painted. The service man
asked him exactly what he
wanted done, and the snail said he wanted
little S's painted all around
and all over his car. The service man
asked him why, and the snail
answered "When people see me in my car
I want them to say, look at that
S-Car-Go!"
A lion was getting rather old and slow
and having difficulty
catching its prey. It decided it needed a
disguise so that other
animals did not know it was a lion and would
not run away. So it goes into a
fancy dress shop and buys a gorilla
suit. It then heads for a watering
hole to see if it can catch
something with its new disguise. On the way
it comes across two eagles
sitting on a rock. One eagle says to it "Hi
Mr. Lion!" The other
said, "Where did you get the gorilla suit?" The
lion, rather
frustrated, asks, "How did you know I was a lion?" The
eagles then started
to sing, "You can't hide your lion eyes".
A man
moved to a mountain top to
get rid of the hustle and be alone. One day
he heard a knock at the
door and no one was there but then he looked
down and there sat a
snail and it said "it is quite cold out here can I
come in?" the man
shouted "NO why don't you all understand I want to
be alone!" and
he kicked the snail down the mountain. One year later
there was a
knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked
down and
there again sat a snail and it said, "What did you do that
for?"
Look over there! Said the frightened
skunk to his pal.
"There's a human with a gun, and he's getting
closer and closer!
What are we going to do?"
To which the second
skink calmly replied, "Let us spray ."
A fish walks into a bar, the bartender
asks,
"What would you like?" the fish says holding his neck,
"Water".
