Why did the vampire attack the clown?
He
wanted the circus to be in his blood.
Did you hear about the
vampire who had an
eye for the ladies?
He used to keep it in his back pocket.
What is Dracula's favorite
fruit?
Neck-tarines.
When the picture of the vampire's grandmother
crashed
to the floor in the middle of the night what did it mean?
That the nail had come out of the wall.
What is a vampire's
favourite soup
?
Scream of mushroom !
What happened to the two mad vampires?
They both went a little batty.
What do vampires cross the sea in?
Blood
vessels.
What do vampire footballers have at
half-time?
Blood oranges.
Why did the vampire take up acting?
It was
in his blood.
Who plays center forward for the vampire
football team?
The ghoulscorer.
Which vampire ate the three bears' porridge?
Ghouldilocks.
Which vampire tried to eat James Bond?
Ghouldfinger.
When do vampires bite you?
On
Wincedays.
Why did the vampire enjoy ballroom dancing?
He could really get into the vaultz.
What is the first thing that
vampires
learn at school?
The alphabat.
Why is Hollywood full of vampires?
They
need someone to play the bit parts.
Why wouldn't the vampire
eat his
soup?
It clotted.
Why was the young vampire a failure?
Because he fainted at the sight of blood.
What is the vampire's
favorite slogan?
Please Give Blood Generously.
How does a vampire clean his house?
With a
victim cleaner.
What does a vampire stand on after taking a
shower?
A bat mat.
What do you call a vampire junkie?
Count
Drugula.
What is a vampire's favorite sport?
Batminton.
Why do vampires hate arguments?
Because
they make themselves cross.
Did you hear about the vampire
who died of
a broken heart?
He had loved in vein.
Did you hear about the vampire who got
married?
He proposed to his girl-fiend.
Two men were having a drink together.
One
said, "I'd rather live with a vampire than with my wife."
"Why's
that?" asked the other.
"Because she's always trying to bite my
head off," he replied.
Why
did the vampire have pedestrian eyes?
They looked both ways before they crossed.
What do you call a vampire
after it is
one-year-old?
A two-year-old vampire.
Why was the vampire thought of as
simple-minded?
Because he was a complete sucker.
What's a vampire's favorite hobby?
In-grave-ing.
How do you join a Vampire Fan Club?
Send
your name, address and blood group.
How does a vampire enter his
house?
Through the bat flap.
Why does Dracula always travel with his
coffin?
Because his life is at stake.
What do vampires have at eleven
o'clock
every day?
A coffin break.
What kind of medicine does Dracula take for a
cold?
Coffin medicine.
What happened when a doctor crossed a parrot
with a
vampire?
It bit his neck, sucked his blood and said,
"Who's a pretty boy
then?"
Why does Dracula have no friends?
Because
he's a pain in the neck.
How does Dracula like to have his
food
served?
In bite-sized pieces.
What do you get if you cross Dracula with AI
Capone?
A fangster.
What does Mrs Dracula say to Mr Dracula when
he leaves for work in the evening?
Have a nice bite!
How does Dracula keep fit?
He plays
batminton.
What does Dracula say when you tell him a new
fact?
Well, fangcy that!
Did you know that Dracula wants to become a
comedian?
He's looking for a crypt writer.
Why did Dracula go to the
orthodontist?
He wanted to improve his bite.
What is Dracula's favorite pudding?
Leeches and scream.
What do you get if you cross Dracula with a
snail?
The world's slowest vampire.
Why did Dracula miss lunch?
Because he
didn't fancy the stake.
When he's out driving, where
does Dracula
like to stop and eat?
The Happy Biter.
What do you think of Dracula films?
Fangtastic!
Where did vampires go to first in America?
New-fang-land.
What is the American national day for
vampires?
Fangsgiving Day.
How do vampires keep their breath smelling
nice?
They use extractor fangs.
How does a vampire get through life with
only one fang?
He has to grin and bare it.
What has webbed feet and fangs?
Count
Quackula.
Doctor, doctor, I think I've been bitten by a
vampire.
Drink this glass of water.
Will it make me better?
No, but I'll be able to see if your neck
leaks.
Why did the vampire go to hospital?
He
wanted his ghoulstones removed.
What's it called when a vampire
kisses
you goodnight?
Necking.
Where is Dracula's American office?
The
Vampire State Building.
Did you hear about the vampire who joined
an orchestra?
He stood on the roof and conducted lightning.
Why did the vampire sit on a pumpkin?
It
wanted to play squash.
What's pink, lives in a sty and drinks
blood?
A hampire.
What type of people do vampires like?
Type
O positive people.
What kind of typewriters do vampires like?
Blood type-writers.
What does Dracula say to his victims?
It's been nice gnawing you.
What should you do if a vampire borrows your
comic?
Wait for him to give it back.
Why was Dracula always willing to help
young vampires?
Because he liked to see new blood in the business.
One vampire to the
other : " Let's go and
have a drink.I know a cosy little mortuary
just round the
corner"!
Did you hear about the doctor who crossed a
parrot with a vampire ?
It bit his neck, sucked his blood, and
said, 'Who's a pretty boy then
?'!
What did the vampire do to stop his son biting
his nails ?
He cut all his fingers off !
Who is a vampire likely to fall in love with
?
The girl necks door.
Why is it tough to compete against a vampire?
Because they're always out for blood!
Did you hear about the vampire
in Camelot?
He was a bite of the Round Table!
What does a vampire take for a
cold?
Coffin syrup!
What is the best way to talk to a
vampire?
By long distance.
What do you call a vampire that can lift up
cars ?
Jack-u-la !
What do you call a vampire in a raincoat
?
Mack-u-la !
What do you get if you cross a vampire and a
circus
entertainer ?
Something that goes straight for the juggler
!
What do you get if you
cross a vampire and
a mummy ?
Something you wouldn't want to unwrap !
Why did the vampire go crazy
at Burger
King?
He saw all that catsup and wanted a transfusion.
What do vampires make sandwiches out of?
Self-raising dead.
What do you get if you cross a vampire with a
snail?
I don't know but it would slow him down.
Why did the vampire stand
at the bus stop
with his finger up his nose?
He was a ghoulsnif fer.
What's a vampire's favorite drink?
A
Bloody Mary.
Why are vampire families so close?
Because
blood is thicker than water.
Which flavor ice cream is Dracula's favorite?
Vein-illa.
What do you get if you cross Dracula with Sir
Lancelot?
A bite in shining armor.
What's Dracula's car called?
A mobile
blood unit.
What do you call a vampire junkie?
Count
Drugula.
Why do vampires hate arguments?
Because
they make themselves cross.
How does a girl vampire flirt?
She bats
her eyes.
MUMMY VAMPIRE: Jimmy, hurry up and drink your
soup
before it clots.
Do you know how to catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut!
