Where do religious school children practice
sports?
In the prayground!
How did the basketball court get wet?
The
players dribbled all over it!
Why did the chicken get sent off?
For
persistent fowl play!
Why were the two managers sitting around
sketching crockery before the start of the game?
It was a cup draw!
Where do football directors go when they are fed
up?
The bored room!
A manager was being interviewed after he had
resigned from a football club?
"Were the crowd not behind you"
asked the reporter
"They were right behind me all right", said
the manager, "But I
managed to shake them off at the station!"
Why was the struggling mange
seen shaking
the club cat?
To see if there was any more money in the kitty!
Why should you be
careful playing against a
team of big cats?
They might be cheetahs!
Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million.
I call him our wonder player
Fan: Why's that?
Manager:
Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!
Why
do managers bring suitcases along to
away games?
So that they can pack the defence!
Where do old bowling balls end up?
In the
gutter!
Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight.
What
happened to your three week diet?
Player: I finished it in
three days!
What part of a football pitch
smells
nicest?
The scenter spot!
What's the chilliest ground in the
premiership?
Cold Trafford!
How did the footbal pitch end up as
triangle?
Somebody took a corner!
Why didn't the dog want to play football?
It
was a boxer!
What did they call Dracula when he won the
league?
The champire!
Which England player keeps up the fuel
supply?
Paul gas coin!
Manager: I'll give you fifty pounds a week to
start
with and a hundred pounds a week in a year's time?
Young
player: OK, I'll come back in a year's time!
Manager: Twenty
teams in the league and you
lot finish bottom?
Captain: Well, it could have been
worse.
Manager: How?
Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!
What did the footballer say when he accidentally
burped during a game?
Sorry, it was a freak hic!
Why are football grounds odd?
Because you can
sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits!
What
do you get if you drop a piano on a
team's defence?
A flat back four!
Why did the goal post get angry?
Because the
bar was rattled!
What is the bank manager's favourite
type
of football?
Fiver side!
What part of a football ground is never the
same?
The changing rooms!
What should a football team do if the pitch is
flooded?
Bring on their subs!
Our team is doing so badly that "Manager of the
Month" isn't an award.
It's an appointment!
Did you hear about the football team who ate
too much pudding?
They got jellygated!
Which insect didn't play well in goal?
The
fumble bee!
What did the bumble bee striker say?
Hive
scored!
What is black and white and black and white and
black
and white?
A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill!
What are Brazilian fans called?
Brazil
nuts!
Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto
the
pitch?
He was the skipper!
How do hens encourage their football
teams?
They egg them on!
What lights up a football stadium?
A football
match!
If you have a referee in football, what do you
have
in bowls?
Cornflakes!
Why aren't football stadiums built in outer
space?
Because there is no atmosphere!
Where do spiders play their FA Cup
final?
Webley stadium!
When fish play football, who is the
captain?
The team's kipper!
Ref: I'm sending you off
Player: What
for?
Ref: The rest of the match!
Why is it that birds are quickly sold
when
they come up on the transfer market?
They tend to go cheep!
What is a goal keepers favourite snack?
Beans
on post!
How do you stop squirrels playing football in
the
garden?
Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!
What's tennis players favourite
city?
Volley wood!
How does a physicist exercise?
By pumping
ion!
Why does someone who runs marathons make a good
student?
Because education pays off in the long run!
What is a runner's
favourite subject in
school?
Jog-raphy!
What does Paul Inces mum make for
Christmas?
Ince pies!
What does a footballer and a magician have in
common?
Both do hat tricks!
Which football team loves ice-cream?
Aston
Vanilla!
Which goal keeper can jump higher than a
crossbar?
All of them, a crossbar can't jump!
Why do grasshoppers not go to
many football
matches?
They prefer cricket matches!
What stories are told by basketball
players?
Tall stories!
Who won the race between two balls of
string?
They we're tied!
Why are football players never asked for
dinner?
Because they're always dribbling!
Why did the footballer hold his
boot to his
ear?
Because he liked sole music!
What tea do footballers drink?
Penaltea!
Where do footballers dance?
At a football!
Egotistical Harry was always reminding people
that he
played semi-pro baseball.
"I was the James Bond type
of player," he told his friends. "I had
all sorts of tricks to
confuse the opposition."
"Batted .007," his wife added.
A true story, according to the LA
Times.....
Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, "Is
your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?"
Wilkins replied,
"I don't know and I don't care!"
It was a
particularly tough football game,
and nerves were on edge. The home team had
been the victim of three
or four close calls, and they were now
trailing the visitors by a
touch-down and a field goal. When the official
called yet another
close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback
blew his
top.
How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he
screamed.
"You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that
last first
down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first
quarter."
The official just stared.
The quarterback
seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get
him tossed from the
game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is
that you STINK!"
The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked
up
the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned
to face
the steaming quarterback.
The official finally
replied, "And how do I smell from here?"
Two
college basketball players were taking an important
final exam. If they
failed, they would be on academic probation and
not allowed to play in
the big game the following week. The exam was
fill-in-the-blank.
The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a
________."
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But
he knew he needed
to get this one right to be sure he
passed.
Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the
shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last
question?"
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't
noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone
knows
Old MacDonald had a FARM."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I
remember now."
He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write
the answer in the
blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's should
er again, he whispered, "Tiny,
how do you spell farm?"
"You
are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled
E-I-E-I-O."
There was a Packers fan with a really crappy
seat at Lambeau.
Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat
on the 50-yard
line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his
way down to the
empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he
asked the man sitting next to it, "Is
this seat taken?" The man
replied, "This was my wife's seat. She
passed away. She was a big
Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so
sorry to hear of your
loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket
to a friend or a
relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
St. Peter and Satan
were having an argument
one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game
to be played on
neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly
host and his own
hand-picked boys.
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven.
"But you realize, I
hope, that we've got all the good players and
the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered
unperturbed. "We've
got all the umpires."
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football
game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.
"I
liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each
other
for 25 cents," she said.
"What do you mean?" he
asked.
"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"
Coming
home from his Little League game,
Billy swung open the front door very
excited. Unable to attend the
game, his father immediately wanted to know
what happened. "So, how
did you do son?" he asked.
"You'll never believe it!" Billy said.
"I was responsible for the
winning run!"
"Really? How'd you
do that?"
"I dropped the ball."
The seven dwarves are down in the mines when
there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to
them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Charlton are good enough
to
win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's
alive!"
Q: How does Stan Collymore change a
lightbulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him
Big Ron
was caught speeding on his way to
the City Ground today.
"I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when
questioned.
Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson
after the fight?
A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!
Tyson's psychologist told Mike to
take a
year off, he obviously misunderstood....good thing he didn't
say
two!
Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first
week at spring
training?
A: Studying their Miranda Rights.
Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car,
who's
driving?
A: The police.
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to
discuss
a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel.
"Your
holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to
determine
whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to
a golf match."
The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held
a golf club in his
life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal,
"we'll call America and talk to
Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a
Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres...
We can't lose!" Everyone
agreed it was a good idea. The call was made
and, of course, Jack was
honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus
reported to the Vatican to inform the
Pope of his success in the
match. "I came in second, your Holiness,"
said Nicklaus.
"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to
Shimon
Peres?!!"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf
later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife
asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a
heart attack
and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's
awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the
ball,
drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."
A man is stranded on a desert
island, all
alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon.
He
thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little
closer
and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and
he
thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this
gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to
the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a
cigarette?"
"Ten years!", he says.
She reaches over and unzips a
waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and
pulls out a pack of fresh
cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says,
"Man, oh man! Is
that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has
it been since you've had a drink of
whiskey?"
He replies,
"Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on
her right sleeve,
pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of
her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since
you've had some real fun?"
And the man replies, "Wow! Don't
tell me that you've got golf clubs
in there!"
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing
lesson.
"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the
instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.
"Put means
to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a
vain
attempt to do the same thing."
A couple of old guys were golfing
when one
said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in
the
morning.
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a
few years
before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good
job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the
ninth hole
hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going
200 mph when
it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the
first time in two
years my teeth didn't hurt."
After a particularly poor game of
golf, a
popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home.
As
he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped
him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty
minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you
happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and
off the
course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto
the
highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went
out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire
truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down.
So,
what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought
it over carefully and responded...
"I think I'll close my
stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower
my right thumb."
A young man who was also an avid golfer found
himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he
hurried
and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had
to head
home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman
shuffled onto
the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as
he was golfing
alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old
gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly
quickly. He didn't hit the
ball far, but plodded along consistently
and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway
and the young man found himself
with a tough shot. There was a large
pine tree right in front of his ball
- and directly between his
ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit
the shot the old man
finally said, "You know, when I was your age
I'd hit the ball right over
that tree."
With that chal
lenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit
the ball
up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded
back on
the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old
man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age
that
pine tree was only three feet tall."
A golfer, playing a round
by himself, is
about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up
to him, and
yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really
amazing to
show you!"
The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"
"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose
it!"
"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it?
What if
you hit it into the water?"
"No problem," says the
salesman. "It floats, and it detects where
the shore is, and spins
towards it."
"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"
"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can
find it with your eyes closed."
"Okay," says the golfer,
impressed. "But what if your round goes
late and it gets dark?"
"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you,
you can never lose this golf ball!"
The golfer buys it at
once. "Just one question," he says to the
salesman. "Where did you
get it?"
"I found it."
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting
one
morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15
minutes!
Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such
ineptitude!
Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a
word with him.
[dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that
group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?
George:
Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost
their
sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let
them play for free anytime.
The group was silent for a moment.
Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
them
tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact
my ophthalmologist buddy
and see if there's anything he can do for
them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
Joe decides to take
his boss Phil to play 9
holes on their lunch. While both men are playing
excellent they are
often held up by two women in front of them moving
at a very slow
pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can
speed it
up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs
back.
His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my
wife
and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook
his head
at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his
round of
golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game,
he too stopped
short and turned around.
Joe asked "what's
wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and
you're fired"
A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks
around
frowning.
Finally the pro askes her what she wants.
"I can't find any green
golf balls," the blonde golfer
complains.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs,
and
finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough,
there are
no green golf balls.
As the blonde golfer walks
out the door in disgust, the pro asks her,
"Before you go, could you
tell me why you want green golf balls?"
"Well obviously, because
they would be so much easier to find in the
sand traps!"
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's
wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my
eyesight's gotten so bad, I
couldn't see where the ball
went."
"You're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife. "Why
don't
you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's eighty-five and
doesn't even play golf anymore,"
protested Jack.
"Yes, but
he's got perfect eyesight and can watch your ball for
you,"
Tracy
pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on.
Jack swung and the
ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Did you see where it
went?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott
answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the
distance.
"I forgot."
A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about
to tee
off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells,
"Wait!
Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show
you!"
The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"
"It's a
special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose
it!"
"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What
if
you hit it into the water?"
"No problem," says the
salesman. "It floats, and it detects where
the shore is, and spins
towards it."
"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"
"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can
find
it with your eyes closed."
"Okay," says the golfer, impressed.
"But what if your round goes
late and it gets dark?"
"No
problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you,
you
can never lose this golf ball!"
The golfer buys it at once
. "Just one question," he says to the
salesman. "Where did you get
it?"
"Ummm, I found it."
Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I
think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
Caddy: "I doubt
you could keep your head down that long."
Golfer:
"I'd move heaven and earth to be
able to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already
moved most of the
earth."
Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly
before!
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."
Golfer: "Caddy, do you think my game is
improving?"
Caddy: "Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you
used
to."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the
time, caddy. It's
distracting!"
Caddy: "This isn't a watch,
sir, its a compass!"
Golfer: "Caddy,
do you think it is a sin to
play golf on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin any
day of the
week!"
Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."
Caddy:
"It's not supposed to be."
Golfer: "That can't be my
ball, caddy. It
looks far too old."
Caddy: "It's a long time since we started,
sir."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a
5-iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
What does a basketball player do before he
blows out his candles?
He makes a swish!
What part of a football pitch smells nicest
?
The scenter spot !
What's the chilliest ground in the premiership
?
Cold Trafford !
How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle
?
Somebody took a corner !
Which England player keeps up the fuel supply
?
Paul gas coin !
What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas
?
Ince pies !
What does a footballer and a magician have in
common ?
Both do hat tricks !
Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear
?
Because he liked sole music !
What tea do footballers drink ?
Penaltea !
Where do footballers dance ?
At a football
!
What did the bumble bee striker say ?
Hive
scored !
Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto
the
pitch ?
He was the skipper !
What lights up a football stadium ?
A
football match !
If you have a referee in football, what do you
have in bowls ?
Cornflakes !
What is a goal keepers favourite snack
?
Beans on post !
How do hens encourage their football teams
?
They egg them on !
Why didn't the dog want to play football
?
It was a boxer !
Which insect didn't play well in goal ?
The
fumble bee !
Where do spiders play their FA Cup final
?
Webley stadium !
How do you stop squirrels playing football in
the garden ?
Hide the ball, it drives them nuts !
Why do managers bring suitcases
along to
away games ?
So that they can pack the defence !
Why were the two managers sitting
around
sketching crockery before the start of the game ?
It was a cup draw
!
Where do football directors go when they are fed
up ?
The bored room !
Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight.
What
happened to your three week diet ?
Player: I finished it in
three days !
Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot
finish bottom ?
Captain: Well, it could have been
worse.
Manager: How ?
Captain: There could have been more teams in the league
!
Why are
football grounds odd ?
Because
you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits !
Why
did the goal post get angry ?
Because
the bar was rattled !
What is the bank manager's favourite
type
of football ?
Fiver side !
What part of a football ground is never the same
?
The changing rooms !
What should a football team do if the pitch is
flooded ?
Bring on their subs !
Did you hear about the football team who ate
too much pudding ?
They got jellygated !
Ref:I'm sending you off
Player: What for
?
Ref: The rest of the match !
Why do artists never win when they play
football ?
They keep drawing !
What is a runner's favourite subject in school
?
Jog-raphy !
What stories are told by basketball players
?
Tall stories !
Q: What is the difference between Liverpool
football
and a tea bag?
A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
Q: What's the difference
between David
Beckham and an airplane model kit?
A: One's a glueless kit and the
other's a clueless git!
How many
Man U. fans does it take to change
a lightbulb?
One to change the lightbulb, and one to drive down
to Kent to pick
him/her up.
Did you hear about the underwater snooker
player?
He was a pool shark!
Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer
and a bad skydiver?
A: A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad
skydiver goes, "Damn."
WHACK!
Q: What did the football say to the football
player?
A: I get a kick out of you.
Bob and Tom both like to golf. One day
Bob
went to Tom and said, "Hey look at this great ball!" Tom replied,
"What's so great about it?" Bob said, "Well if you lose it, it will
beep until you find it, and if it goes into the water it will float.
This ball is impossible to lose!" "Wow!", said Tom, "Where did you
get that from?" Bob replied, "I found it."
