Why did the pig go to the casino ?
To play the
slop machine !
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
...A
piiig
A city child came running into the farmhouse. "No
wonder
that mama pig is so big," she yelled.
"There's a bunch
of little pigs out there blowing her up!"
A
pig's favorite movie:
The Monster That
Ate New York.
All our pigs are learning karate.
Oh, I don't
believe that
No? Well, just watch out for their chops.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it "Ham Hocks".
Did you hear about the pig who tried to
start
a hot-air balloon business?
He couldn't get it off the ground.
.
Did you hear about the piglets
who wanted to
do something special for mother's day?
What did they do?
They
threw a sowprize party.
Did you hear about the pig's vacation?
They
had a wonderful time at Yellowstone National Park. They dressed up
as bears and raided all the garbage cans.
Did you hear about the pigs
who took up
motorcycling?
They wanted to catch bugs with their teeth.
Did you hear of the pig who began hiding garbage
In November?
She wanted to do her Christmas slopping early.
Did you hear the story
about the razorback
hog?
It's pretty dull.
Do pigs like Backgammon?
No, they prefer their
backs scratched.
Doctor, doctor, I've got a
little
sty.
Then you'd better buy a little pig.
FARMER: Who raided my vegetable
patch?
PIGLET: Beets me!
FIRST PIGLET: How do you know your boyfriend loves
you?
SECOND PIGLET: He signs his letters with lots of hogs and
kisses.
Have you heard about the pig who took up disco
dancing?
He liked to swing his weight around.
How can you recognize a Gnome
Pig?
They're the ones with the little red hats.
How can you tell the pig
is a failure as
Easter bunny?
By the egg on its face.
How did the little pig win at Monopoly?
He
built hotels on Pork Place.
How do you fit more pigs on your farm?
Build a
sty-scraper!
How do you get your pigs to sleep at night?
No
problem. Everyone here goes to bed with the chickens.
You must have
a very large chicken house.
How do you take a pig to
hospital?
By
hambulance!
How does a mama pig put her piglets to sleep?
She reads them pig tales.
How does a pig write home?
With a pig pen.
I told you not to let those pigs In my office.
Now, look what's happened.
They've eaten all the dates off my
calendar!
If an elephant is the
symbol of the Republican
Party and a donkey is the symbol of the
Democratic Party, what is a
pig the symbol of?
Any party where there's lots of food.
If you drop this book in a pig
pen, what
should you do?
Take the words out of their mouths.
Is it true the pigs went over
Niagara Falls in
a barrel?
No, that story's just a lot of hogwash.
Is lunch the favorite
subject of piglets?
No, it's theatre. They love to ham It up and hog all the attention.
Mama Pig has a great, new kitchen appliance that
lets her prepare meals ahead.
It's called a garbage
compactor.
Mama Pig has a great, new kitchen
appliance
that lets her prepare meals ahead.
It's called a garbage
compactor.
MOTHER PIG: What did you learn in
school
today?
FIRST PIGLET: Oink! Oink!
SECOND PIGLET: Oink! Oink!
THIRD PIGLET: Woof! Woof!
MOTHER PIG: What?
THIRD PIGLET: I'm taking
a foreign language.
Name the pig's
favorite Shakespeare play.
Hamlet.
Pigs don't look very smart to me.
Sure, they
are. You ever see a sow try to make a silk purse out of a
farmer's
ear?
Pig's explanation for the creation of the
Universe:
The Pig Bang Theory.
SOW: Would you like a nice cake with three
candles for your party?
PIGLET: I'd rather have three cakes and one
candle.
Sports fad
invented by pigs:
Mud
wrestling.
The hog was a failure as a TV talk show host
What happened?
He turned out to be a big boar.
The kids are crazy about a new piglet
toy.
When they wind it up, it eats all the spinach off their plates.
Two pigs robbed a bank. Why were they caught so
quickly?
They squealed on each other.
What did the fat pig say when the farmer
dumped corn mash into the trough?
"I'm afraid that's all going to
waist."
What did the mama pig say
to her bad little
piglet?
"Behave or Frankenswine will get you."
What did the mama pig say
when junior pig
bought a basket of wormy apples?
"Don't tell the farmer. He might
charge us extra."
What did the
pig do when a beetle landed in
his feed trough? He ate it quickly, before
the others could ask him
to share.
What did the pig say when his brother rolled on
him?
"Heavy!"
What did the pig say when it found a fly in its
soup?
"Yum Yum."
What did the pig say when the wolf grabbed her
tail?
"That's the end of me!"
What do hip pigs call their ladies?
Fine
swine.
What do little piglets do on a Saturday night?
Have a pigjama party!
What do little pigs want to be when they grow up?
Garbage collectors.
What do piggys take when they are sick?
Pigicillin!
What do pigs do on nice afternoons?
They go on
pignics.
What do pigs drive?
Pig-up trucks!
What do pigs like with chow mein?
Sooey
sauce.
What do you call a crafty pig?
CunningHam
What do you call a lady pig planting seeds?
A
sow sow.
What do you call a pig in a steel foundry?
A
pig pig.
What do you call a pig that took a plane?
Swine flu!
What do you call a pig thief?
A hamburglar!
What do you call a pig who overacts?
A ham
ham.
What do you call a pig with good table manners?
Sick.
What do you call a pig with no clothes on?
Streaky bacon!
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A
groundhog!
What do you call a pig with the flu?
A swine
swine.
What do you call an oversize motorcycle for pigs?
A hog hog.
What do you call pigs in a demolition derby?
Crashing boars.
What do you call the story of The Three Little
Pigs?
A pig tail!
What do you do for a pig with sore muscles?
Rub
him with oinkment.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a
canary?
I don't know, but when it sits on your electric wire and
sings, all
your lights go out
What do you get when you cross a pig with an
elephant?
A very large animal that knows a lot of jokes.
What do you give a
sick pig?
Oinkment!
What do you say to a naked pig?
"I never
sausage a body."
What does a pig use to write his term
papers
with?
Pen and Oink!
What goes "knio, knio?"
A backward pig.
What instrument do piggys play in a band?
Pigcussion!
What is a pigs favourite ballet?
Swine Lake!
What is Chuck Norris' "best karate move"?
Pork Chop!
What is the pig's favorite musical instrument?
The piggalo (piccalo).
What kind of bread do pig ladles make in the
Yukon?
Sow-r dough bread.
What kind of furniture do pigs like best?
Overstuffed.
What kind of pig do sows dislike?
Male
Chauvinist Pigs.
What position does the pig play in football?
Loinback.
What should you say to a pig on roller skates?
Don't say anything. Just get out of the way.
What soft drink do pigs
like best?
Root
beer.
What song do pigs sing on New Year's Eve?
Auld Lang Swine.
What was the name of the hog who was knighted by
King Arthur?
Sir Lunchalot.
What world athletic sporting event is held every
four
years?
The Olympigs!
What would a pig name a chain of food
stores?
"Stop "N Slop Markets"
What would happen if pigs went on strike?
They'd form pigget lines.
What would happen if pigs could fly?
Bacon
would go up!
What's that pig doing in the middle of the road
with a red light on its head?
Didn't you tell me to put out a
stop swine?
When is a pig an
ecologist?
When he
recycles garbage into ham.
When pigs get a toothache, who do
they see?'
Painless Porker.
When pigs have a party, who jumps out of the cake?
Nobody. The pigs all jump in.
Where did the piglets study their ABC's?
At a
school for higher loining.
Where do bad pigs go?
They get sent to the
pen.
Where do retired pigs go for warm weather?
The
tropigs!
Where does a woodsman keep his pigs?
In his hog
cabin!
Where is the most open green space in New York
City?
Central Pork
Which of these jokes do the pigs like best?
The corniest ones.
Who is the greatest painter of this century?
Pigcasso!
Who sends flowers on Valentines Day?
Cupigs!
Why are pigs such early risers?
Did you ever
try to shut off a rooster?
Why are pigs such great
football fans?
They're always rooting.
Why are there so many piggy banks?
Pigs don't
like to hide their money in the mattress.
Why can't
there be a Santa Pig?
Pigs
don't fit in chimneys.
Why couldn't the pig pay his bill?
He was a
little shoat.
Why do pigs have flat snouts?
From running in
to trees.
Why did the big pig want to go on stage?
There
was a lot of ham in him.
Why did the little pig hide the soap?
He heard
the farmer yell, "Hogwash!"
Why did the little pig try to
join the Navy?
He loved to sing, "Oinkers Aweight"
Why did the little piglet fall
in love with
the hog?
Because he was such a sloppy dresser.
Why did the pig go to the
casino?
To play
the slop machine!
Why did the pig join a muscle-building
class?
He thought "pumping iron" was a new juice dispenser.
Why did the pig join the Army?
He heard the
food was a mess.
Why did the pig run away from the pig
sty?
He felt that the other pigs were taking him for grunted.
Why did the
pig wear yellow coveralls?
He
split a seam in his blue ones.
Why did the piglets do badly in
school?
They were all slow loiners.
Why did the piglets get in trouble in
their
biology class?
They ate all the specimens.
Why did the piglets get in trouble in their
stained glass class?
They stained it with mud.
Why did the pigs paint their hoofs green?
It
was Saint Patrick's Day.
Why did the spotted pigs run away?
They
thought the traveling salesman told the farmer to put his name on
the
dotted swine.
Why didn't the Blonic Pig get a TV series of his
own?
He made the mistake of going to a barbecue with the Bionic
Man and the
Blonic Woman.
Why didn't the piglets listen to the teacher
pig?
Because he was an old boar.
Why didn't the pigs eat the rotten eggs in their
feed trough?
They were saving the best for last.
Why do pigs like February 14th?
They get lots
of Valenswines.
Why do pigs love Halloween?
There's lots of
hogsgobblin.
Why do pigs run into trees?
To shake out the
alligators.
I've never seen an alligator In a tree.
That's
because the pigs do such a good job.
Why doesn't Santa hitch
his sleigh to a pig?
Pigs don't have red noses.
Why is a pig in a water trough like a penny?
Because its head is on one side and its tail is on the other.
Why was
the pig unhappy in the Minors?
Because he wants to play in the Pig Leagues.
Why is the cook worried
about catching his
runaway pig?
He knows a little ham goes a long way.
Why is your dad chasing those
pigs through the
garden?
We're raising mashed potatoes.
Why isn't there a Superpig?
It's too hard
for a pig to change clothes in a telephone booth.
Why should you never invite a pig to join your
tug-of-war team?
Pigs want to be pulled through the mudhole.
Why won't pigs take up
jogging?
They
don't like to get that far from the table.
Why won't the witch
let the traveling pig
actors into her gingerbread cottage?
She's afraid they'll bring down
the house.
Why wouldn't the bird
let her chicks go near
the pig pen?
She didn't want the pigs eating shredded tweet.
Why wouldn't the
piglet's mother let her
read romantic novels?
She was afraid her daughter would run away with
a wolf.
Why wouldn't the sow let her piglets play with
toads?
She didn't want them to grow into wart hogs.
What did the pig say
when he found a line of
ants in his trough?
"Mmm. Canapes."
What are the pigs warned to look out for in New
York?
Pigpockets.
Why was the pig happy when reviewers criticized
his
story?
Because they called it garbage.
Why did the pig send his story to New
York?
He wanted to be published on Pork Avenue.
What famous pig actor made a movie about
Frankenswine?
Boaris Karloff.
What did the pig call a manuscript?
A shoat
story.
What do you get if you cross pigs with a lot of
grapes
?
A swine gut !
What kind of tie does a pig wear ?
Pig's tie
!
Why do pigs never recover from illness ?
Because you have to kill them before you cure them !
What do you get when you cross a pig with a billy
goat?
A crashing bore.
The teacher was furious with her son. "Just
because
you've been put in my class, there's no need to think you can
take
liberties. You're a pig." The boy said nothing. "Well! Do you
know
what a pig is?" "Yes, Mom," said the boy. "The offspring of a
swine."
Who do they get for Babe the pig's dangerous
movie scenes?
A stunt ham.
