Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM,
SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red
light.
The officer shouted
orders to a
nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran
directly onto
the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a
dispatch
case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to
safety.
"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a
medal. You
risked your life to save the locations of our secret
warehouses."
"Warehouses?" the private shouted. "I thought you said
whorehouses!"
"I was married 3 times" explained
the man to a newly discovered
drinking partner, "and I'll never
marry again. My first 2 wives died
of eating poison mushrooms and my
3rd wife died of a fractured skull."
"That's a shame." said his
friend , "How did it happen?"
"She wouldn't eat the
mushrooms!"
What's the speed limit of
sex?
68; at 69 you have to turn around.
What did the egg say to the
boiling water?
"How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got
laid a minute
ago."
A minister gave a talk to the
Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't
tell his wife
that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had discussed
horseback
riding with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at
the shopping center and they
complimented her on the speech her
husband had made.
She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the
subject matter, as
he's only
tried it twice. The first time he
got so sore he could hardly walk, and
the
second time he fell
off."
A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in
dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious
financial
trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.
He
goes into the synagogue and begins to pray
"God, please
help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some
money, I'm
going to lose my house as well, please let me win the
lotto".
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Jacob goes back
to the synagogue.
"God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost
my business, my house
and I'm going to lose my car as
well".
Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!
Back to the
synagogue.
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my
business, my house,
my car and my wife and children are starving. I
don't often ask you
for help and I have always been a good servant
to you. Why won't you
just let me win the lotto this one time so
I can get my life back in
order???".
Suddenly there is a
blinding flash of light as the heavens open and
Jacob is confronted by
the voice of GOD himself:
"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY
A DAMN TICKET"
A Brit, a
Frenchman and a
Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve
frolicking in the
Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit.
"They must be
British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman
disagrees. "They're naked, and so
beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only
an
apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are
Russian."
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out
of Washington for New York. One
sat in the window seat, the other in
the middle seat. Just before
takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got
on and took the aisle seat next to the
Arabs. He kicked off his
shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in
when the Arab in the
window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a
coke."
"No
problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he
was gone,
the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the
Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good.
I think I'll have one too."
Again, the Israeli obligingly
went to fetch it, and while he is gone
the Arab other picked up the
other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli
returned with the coke, and
they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight
to New York.
As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoe
s
and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must
this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our
peoples..... this
hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and
peeing in
cokes?"
Why were ancient Egyptian
children confused?
Because their daddies were mummies.
YOUR SO BALD THAT WHEN YOU WHERE
A TURTLENECK YOU LOOK LIKE A ROLL ON DEODORANT.
A little boy walked
down the
aisle at a wedding. As he made his way to the front, he would
take
two steps, then stop, and turn to the crowd, alternating between
the bride's side and the groom's side. While facing the crowd, he would
put his hands up like claws and roar. And so it went-step, step,
ROAR,
step, step, ROAR-all the way down the aisle.
As you can
imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by
the time he
reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and
more distressed from all
the laughing, and he was near tears by the
time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child
sniffed back his tears and
said, "I was being the ring bear."
A husband and wife entered the
dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't
want
gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull
the tooth
as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave man," said
the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth
it is."
The husband
turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the
dentist
which tooth it is, dear."
An accountant is having a hard
time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get
to
sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting
sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours
trying to find it."
A lawyer with insomnia consulted
her doctor.
"Which side is it best to lie on?" she asked.
"The
side that pays your fee," replied the doctor.
Three men: an editor, a
photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami.
They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour.
Halfway
up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the
lamp a genie
appears and says "Normally I would grant you three
wishes, but since
there are three of you, I will grant you each one
wish."
The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest
of my
life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money
worries." The
genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St.
Thomas.
The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of
my life
living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no
money
worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to
the
Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the editor's
turn. "And what would your
wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch" replied the editor, "the
deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours.
Why do women have
smaller
feet than men?
- It allows them to stand closer to the sink.
How do you know when a
woman
is about to say something smart?
- She starts her sentence with
"A man once told me..."
Why are
teachers happy at
Halloween parties?
Because there's lots of school spirit!
What did the really ugly man
do for a living?
He posed for Halloween masks.
Q: Why doesn't the dinosaur
cross the road anymore?
A: Because their eggs stink. (They're
extinct)
Why couldn't the
alligator
send e-mails on his PC?
Because it was on old croc.
"Mommy, all the kids at school
say I'm
a werewolf! Is that true?"
"No, of course not. Now shut
up and comb your face."
Yo Momma is so
ugly that she
scares blind people!!!!
Three women are about to be
executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a
blonde.
The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she
has any last requests.
She says no and the executioner
shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly
the brunette yells,
''EARTHQUAKE!!!'' Everyone is startled and throws
themselves on the ground
while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the
executioner asks if she
has any last requests. She say no and the
executioner shouts, ''Ready!
Aim!'' Suddenly the redhead yells,
''TORNADO!!!'' Everyone is
startled and looks around for cover
while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The
guard brings her forward
and the executioner asks if she has any
last requests. She says no and
the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!''
and the blonde yells,
''FIRE!!!'''
Why is it that at class reunions
you feel younger than everyone else looks?
Do vampires get
AIDS?
Why are cigarettes sold at gas
stations when smoking is prohibited
there?
Q. What does a woman's asshole
do when she is having an orgasm?
A. He is usually home with the
kids!
A couple decided that the only
way to have a quickie while their ten-year- old son was in the
apartment
was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running
report on
what was going on in the neighbourhood. So the boy stood
on the balcony
and reported on everything that was happening. "A
police car has just
called at the Hamiltons' house, the Chandlers are
taking delivery of a
new wardrobe, and the Mitchell's are having
sex." Hearing this, the
boy's parents shot bolt upright. "How do
you know the Mitchells are
having sex?" "Because their kid is
standing on the balcony too."
Q: How do you know if a blonde
has been sending e-mail?
A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed
into the disk drive.
Little
Mary was not the best
student in Sunday School. Usually she slept
through the class. One
day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
"Tell me,
Mary, who created the universe?"
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny,
an altruistic boy seated in the
chair behind her, took a pin and
jabbed her in the rear. "God
Almighty!" shouted Mary, and the teacher
said, "Very good," and Mary fell
back asleep.
A while later the
teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior,"
but Mary didn't
even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to
the rescue,
and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary, and
the teacher
said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked
Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to
Adam after she had her
twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her
with the pin.
This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that
damn th
ing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
This guy
goes to the zoo one
day. While standing in front of the gorilla's cage,
a gust of wind
swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid,
the gorilla
went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the
guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the
zookeeper.
Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid
means "F**k you!" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the
victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.
The next day he
purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party
horns, and a large
sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried
to the zoo
and over to the gorilla's cage, where he tossed a hat, a
knife, and
a party horn.
Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a
party hat. The
gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it
on. Next, he picked
up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla
picked up his horn and did the
same. Then the man picked up his
knife, whipped the sausage out of his
pants, and sliced it in
half.
The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at
the man, and pulled down his eyelid.
A drunk stammers out of a bar and
runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ''I'm Jesus
Christ.''
The first priest says, ''No, son, I'm Jesus
Christ.''
So the drunk says it to the second priest.
The second priest replies, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.''
The drunk says, ''Look, I can prove it.'' and walks back into the
bar with the priests.
The bartender takes on look at the
drunk and exclaims, ''Jesus
Christ, you're here again?''
A Texan walks into a pub in
Ireland and
clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear
you Irish are
a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American
dollars to anybody
in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness
back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's
offer. One man even
leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who
left shows back up
and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet
still good?", asks
the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and
asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness. Immediately the
Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses
drinking them all
back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan
sits in
amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya
don't mind me
askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were
gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub
down the street to
see if I could do it first".
What do monkeys sing at Christmas
?
Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.. !
One day there were two boys
playing by
a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to
it and the
other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the
bush so long.
The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The
two boys were
looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of
a sudden the second
boy took off running. The first boy couldn't
understand why he ran away
so he took off after his friend. Finally,
he caught up to him and asked
why he ran away. The boy said to his
friend, "My mom told me if I ever
saw a naked lady I would turn to
stone, and I felt something getting
hard, so I ran."
A married couple was in a
terrible accident where the
woman's face was severely burned.
The
doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her
body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would
have to come from his rear end.
The husband and wife agreed
that they would tell no one about where the
skin came from, and
requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was
a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed,
everyone was astounded at the woman's
new beauty. She looked more
beautiful than she ever had before! All her
friends and relatives just
went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone
with her husband, and she was overcome with
emotion at his
sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everyth
ing you did for
me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied," think nothing of it. I get all the thanks
I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Q: Why
don't blind people
skydive?
A: It scares the heck out of the dog.
A blind man walks into a store
with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and
begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the
man and
asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just
looking
around."
Sherlock Holmes and Matthew
Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were
lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up.
What do
you see?
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we
will have another nice day tomorrow. What
does it mean to you,
Holmes?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
An Englishman,
Frenchman,
Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane
when
the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having
mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is
for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can
survive"
The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman
takes a deep
breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and
jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and
he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers
"Remember the Alamo" and
he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of
the plane.
The desk
sergeant answered
the phone, and at once a woman began screaming. "You've
got to help
me! There's a giant gray thing in my yard, and it's
pulling
apples off the tree with its tail!" "What's he doing with the
apples?"
the sergeant asked. "If I told you," the woman cried, "you
wouldn't believe me!"
After my wife and her former best
buddy, another
Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted
one
husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief
means
of communication. When our phone
bills showed astronomical
increases, the other spouse and I sought
relief. Since we both
owned computers, we
encourage our wives to use electronic mail.
Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent,
then call back to confirm that it
arrived and have a
conversation about the contents!
A couple have not
been
getting along for years, so the husband thinks,
"I'll buy my wife a
cemetery plot for her birthday."
Well, you can imagine her
disappointment.
The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this
time he
doesn't get her anything.
She says, "Why didn't you get me a
birthday present!?"
He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last
year!"
Q: What is the pink stuff between
elephant's toes?
A: Slow clowns.
Why do you need a driver's
licence to buy liquor
when you can't drink and drive?
Does killing time damage
eternity?
"Will I ever be able to race my
horse again" the owner asked the vet.
The vet replied, "You certainly
will, and you'll probably beat her
too!"
Do you know what a mice said when
it saw a bat?
Mom ! I see an angel.
