My Mother uses lemon juice for her complexion.
Maybe that is why she always looks so sour.
I'm not ugly. I could
marry anyone I
pleased!
But that's the problem - you don't please anyone.
Fred: What's
that terribly ugly thing on
your shoulders?
Harry: Help! What is it?
Fred: Your head!
She's so ugly that when a wasp stings her it
shuts
its eyes.
First girl: I spend hours in front of the mirror
admiring
my beauty. Do you think that's vanity?
Second girl:
No, it's imagination.
Who won the Monster Beauty Contest?
No
one.
First Witch: I went to the beauty parlor
yesterday. I was
there for three hours.
Second Witch: Oh, what did
you have done?
First witch: Nothing, I was just going in for an
estimate.
Mrs Saggy:
Mrs Wrinkly tried to have a
facelift last week.
Mrs Baggy: Tried to?
Mrs Saggy: Yes, they
couldn't find a crane strong enough to lift her
face!
They say Margaret is a raving beauty.
You
mean she's escaped from the funny farm?
First witch: My beauty
is timeless.
Second witch: Yes, it could stop a clock.
A witch went into a beauty parlor and asked the
assistant how much it would cost to make her look like a film star.
"Nothing," replied the assistant.
"Nothing?" she asked, "but
how can I look like a film star?"
"Haven't you seen a film called
The Creature from the Black Lagoon?"
replied the assistant.
A monster went to the doctor with a branch
growing out of his head.
"Hmmm," said the doctor. "I've no idea
what it is."
The next week the branch was covered in leaves and
blossom.
"I'm stumped," said the doctor, "but you can try taking these
pills."
When the monster came back a month later the branch had
grown into a
tree, and just a few weeks later he developed a small
pond, surrounded by
trees and bushes, all of them on top of his
head.
"Ah!" said the doctor, "I know what it is. You've got a beauty
spot."
I've just come back from the beauty parlour.
Pity it was closed!
Where is everyone beautiful?
In the dark.
Fred keeps telling me that he's going to marry
the most
beautiful girl in the world.
Oh, what a shame! And
you've been engaged for such a long time!
People keep telling me I'm beautiful.
What
vivid imaginations some people have.
Don't look out of the
window, Betty,
people will think it's Halloween.
What happened when the
witch went for a job
as a TV presenter?
The producer said she had the perfect face for
radio.
Did you hear
about the witch who did a four
year course in ugliness?
She finished it in two.
What is yellow and goes click-click?
A
ball-point banana.
Witch: Will I lose my looks as I get older?
Wizard: With luck, yes. Witch:
A little boy came running into the kitchen.
'Dad, dad' he said, 'there's a monster at the door with a really
ugly
face'
'Tell him you've already got one,' said his father
!
"My
boyfriend says I look like a dishy
Italian!"said Miss Conceited.
''Then he's right said her little
brother.''Sophia Loren?''
"No-spaghetti!''
A woman went to a sweet store to buy some
sweets.
The boy behind the counter said "Gosh, your ugly aren't you?,
I've
never seen anyone so hideous as you before"
"Young man" she
replied. " I didn't come here to be insulted"
"Really", he said,
"Where do you usually go ?"
Little Johnny and
his mother were on a
train. Johnny leant over and started to whisper in
his mother's
ear.
'Johnny, how many times have I told you,' said his mother, ' it's
rude to whisper. If you have something to say, say it out
loud.'
'OK, said Johnny, 'why does the lady over there look like an ugly,
haggard old witch ?'
Girlfriend: Will you love me when I'm old and
fat and ugly?
Boyfriend: Of course I do !
Mary: Do you think my sister's pretty
?
Gary: Well, let's just say if you pulled her pigtail she'd probably
say 'oink, oink '!
Did you hear about the girl monster who wasn't
pretty and wasn't ugly ?
She was pretty ugly
She's the kind of girl that boys look at twice
-
they can't believe it the first time.
Bill: My sister has lovely
long red hair
all down her back.
Will: Pity it's not on her head.
Julie had broken off her
engagement. Her
friend asked her what had happened. 'I thought it was love at
first
sight,' said Julie.
'It was, but it was the second and third
sights that changed my
mind.
Beautician: Did that mud pack I gave you for
your girlfriend improve her appearance ?
Man: It did for a while -
then it fell off.
Two teenage boys were
talking in the
classroom. One said, 'I took my girlfriend to see 'The
bride of
Dracula' last night.'
'Oh yeah,' said the other, ' what was she like
?'
'Well she was about six foot six, white as a ghost and she had
big red
staring eyes and fangs.'
The other said, 'Yes, but what
was 'The Bride of Dracula' like
?'
I can't understand why people say my
girlfriend's legs look like
matchsticks. They do look like sticks - but
they certainly don't
match.
What did the really ugly man do for a living
?
He posed for Halloween masks !
I don't think these photographs
you've
taken do me justice.
You don't want justice - you want mercy !
Your ugly.
And you're drunk.
Yes, but in
the morning I'll be sober !
My boyfriend thinks I'm
beautiful
Well
they do say that love is blind !
Last night I dreamt I was
dancing with the
most beautiful girl in the world
What was I wearing ?
Monster: I'm so ugly.
Ghost: It's not
that bad!
Monster: It is! When my grandfather was born they passed out
cigars.
When my father was born they just passed out cigarettes.
When I was born
they simply passed out.
